T.M.I. Thank You Very Much

You know how sometimes when someone asks you something and you give an answer, in your head you don't really know if your answer makes sense to them? So you think about what you could say to qualify what you just said so that it makes more sense or justifies your answer. Like if your grandma offers you a homemade treat and you say no thanks, you feel like there should be a reason behind your "no thank you."

Well, sometimes that happens, but sometimes you really don't need to say anything else. Please, don't go into intimate details. I really don't care, and now that you told me I can't un-hear it. Or stop thinking about it. Thanks.

I had finals last week and while those were super fun, I also got to handle finals all week at work too. I work at a school and my job is giving out tests and supervising the students taking them. It is not a hard job, but it can get pretty busy during finals. To make the experience more pleasant we will bring food to share so we can all keep our spirits and strength up. Well, one of my coworkers decided to bring a bunch of chocolate chip cookies to give to students as they finished their tests. This is a great idea and it provided smiles and happiness for tired stressed students, and if they don't want one, they can just not have one. I noticed that many students would come out and look at the tin of cookies, hand me their test and then just walk away, and I think they must not have made the connection that these were a gift for them. I then noted how offering a cookie when they came out garnered a much better response and more frequent cookie takers.

The day wore on and sometime in the afternoon, when the coworker who brought the cookies was sitting at the station with the cookies, a man came out to give her his test. Like normal she offered him a cookie and he said, "no thank you," and I thought that was it. He walked to the door as his test was being run through the scanner, and he paused, "I have a kidney stone at the moment..." oh really? please, do tell, "...and I can't really have chocolate. I have to avoid it. No chocolate for me." Ok, so I just learned that if one has a kidney stone, one should not have chocolate, apparently. Why did you feel the need to tell us that? Now I keep imagining what that must be like, searing pain, the sudden onset of xocolataphobia, the strange urge to divulge my current state of misfortune to people who offer me cookies. Kidney stones are no good I tell you, no good at all.

Chocolate chip cookies, however, are.

 Image from here

Hello Again Friends

Wow, it's been a while hasn't it? When did I last post? AGES ago? yep you're right, ages ago. Sorry about that.

I have been well, and that is always good. I hope that you are also well. A lot can happen in such a long time, so tell me, how the heck are you?!

Ok, my turn.

At the end of September my car overheated and the radiator was the reason. It decided that it had finally had enough and burst while I was taking a girl out on a first date. Oh, and this was while we were just heading up the canyon to look at all the beautiful fall leaves, so we were quite a ways from home. We pulled over at a nice little turnout and ate our food in the dimming light while the engine cooled. I just happened to have some coolant with me and put some more in the reservoir. We decided that it would be best to just head back and try to get home as soon as we could. We had to stop at least three times to let the engine cool and my date was all the time laughing and having a great time. I'm actually really glad she was there, it helped me keep my wits about me, you know so I could show this girl how I could handle a tough situation and know what to do and stuff. Oh, and it kept me from pushing my car over a cliff. Eventually, we made it back to my parents' house and the car just quit. Sad day. So we went to plan B. We walked to her house and watched some stuff on Netflix. I think Dr. Who and The IT Crowd were on the docket that evening.

I was now without a functional car and stranded at my home of my parents and siblings for the whole weekend. This was General Conference weekend I believe and it was nice to spend the time with my family. My date must not have gone as horribly as I had imagined because the girl I went with, who lived quite close to my parents' residence, found several occasions to join my company. I did not find this to be disagreeable and we spent nearly the whole weekend together.

Reality began to set in when I realized that I would have to get my car looked at before I would be able to go much of anywhere, including: work, school, oh yeah, HOME! Well, I got the car looked at and they replaced the radiator and that seemed to do the trick. It was mighty frustrating getting the school the previous day I can tell you!

So, school and work both kept happening, and so did seeing this girl. Huh, yep, still there. Just stalking me everywhere. Ok, not really. I was asking her out and she was saying yes, and then she'd invite me and I'd say yes, and after a while I just decided I'd had enough and kissed her in the rain. Want a romantic kiss? Kiss in the rain.

School is almost over and I am feeling like it can't really get here soon enough. Two more finals and I'll be ready to relax for Christmas.

Microeconomics and Jedi

So in my microeconomics class I am learning about marginal utility and how you can maximize your total utility (or basically happiness) by using your income to purchase goods in such a way to get the greatest utility per dollar. I told my coworker about this.

I read an article about how it sucks to be a jedi. I started to really want a lightsaber. I told my coworker about this.

"I am pretty sure that a lightsaber would give me a lot of utility," I mentioned.

Without turning she said, "you're special James."

Yes, yes I am.

All Men Are Jerks?

"New motto for life: All men are jerks; until proven otherwise"

~Some frustrated young woman who had perhaps a handful of poor experiences and has therefore written off 3.5 Billion individuals who MUST be exactly like the few she's met.

You know, not all guys are jerks. I'd like to express my feelings on the subject at the risk of sounding like one. Expecting every guy to be a jerk until they prove to you that they aren't is unfair. If I walked into a room and even just one girl turned into a withdrawn storm cloud inspecting me for any faults I will guarantee I'm not going to talk to her even if I can't tell why she's acting like that. Actually, come to think of it, if I did know then I would especially not talk to her! Why not accept the challenge to uphold chivalry and honor and prove myself to her? Because I dislike silly games, besides the fact that nobody likes to be scrutinized for their imperfections.

If you're expecting flaws and imperfections, how does this allow you to give anyone the benefit of the doubt? This mentality only hurts the individual who mistakenly thinks themselves the better for it. You expect failure and imperfections and will, consciously or not, find them, become dissatisfied, and chalk it all up to that guy being a jerk too. It's kind of funny how ironically hypocritical it is to hold this sort of position. You think every guy is a jerk so you decide you're going to make them prove they aren't before you...what? trust them? respect them? let yourself be nice? stop making sarcastic jabs at them? Wait... I'm confused, who's the jerk?

Ok, ok, so maybe they just want assurance that he's not flaky or rude or something before they allow themselves to be interested. (why did I jump to that angle? Well, the above quote sounds like many such statements made by girls frustrated with the current ex-man-of-their-dreams.) This has probably stemmed from a tendency they developed over time which had them becoming interested in certain types of guys, a majority of which are jerks. The "Bad Boy" with his motorcycle and dislike for authority make it seem like adventure and excitement will fill every moment. But his dislike for authority probably comes with side effects like a dislike of trying to see other points of view and a disregard for others' feelings or wishes.

I don't want this to turn into an in depth look at all the types of guys that tend to be jerks. I'd rather tell you that most guys are not jerks, it's just that the most vocal and noticeable guys are usually the ones that do whatever they want and don't care what others think. Unfortunately, that can often translate to not caring what you think. Most good guys just don't know that they need to not be too nice. It makes them look like pushovers or like they aren't directed and sure of themselves and that makes girls not feel like that guy is confident enough to make things happen. So the girl goes for the jerk who seems like he can. Guys, step up and tell her you'd like to take her out on a date, tell her which days will work for you and then ask her if either of those days will work for her. Be confident, keep your chin level and look her in the eyes. Always treat every girl with respect, open doors, don't make fun of them, keep your language clean and above all, be a man. What I mean by that is, live your life, stay busy, be productive, and be kind to those around you. Girls will notice. At least the ones who aren't still rummaging through the garbage heap trying to find something that isn't there.

Girls, please notice the guys that are kind and good. Stop thinking that arrogant pigs will be nice to you and get over yourselves.

Thank you.

1000

It seems like only 86 days ago that I had my 500th page view, and today I had my 1000th. We should have a party, but not right now, I have to do my econ homework.

Thanks for making it great! You guys are the best!

Saboteur

You know how you have this idea in your head, and it seems to be great, and then it kinda freaks you out that it's actually working so you step back for a second to check and see if you're just imagining things or if it really is working out like you want, and then it seems to need just a little of something so while you try to figure that out it all gets ruined?

I like to imagine something on the stove like rice. You start cooking rice and it's no big deal and then it starts getting close to being done and you decide you also want something else to go with it and you step away from the rice to prepare this other thing. Then you start smelling something burning and you wheel around and grab the rice but it's too late, it burned on the bottom. Oh, most of it is probably still ok and you might not really be able to taste a difference, but the scrubbing you have to do after dinner looms over you and you know you burned the rice.

If I had just taken the time when the opportunity was in front of me what might have happened? I really don't like those questions.

I heard an interesting quote the other day, I don't know who said it, but it goes: "A man who wants something will find a way, a man who doesn't will find excuses." I thought about this in context with one of my friend's remarks to me recently that I sabotage myself. Maybe I have a martyr complex in which I subconsciously revel in the fact that things don't work out because what I claim to want and what seems so often right there in front of me, sometimes even trying very hard to get my attention, suddenly falls apart. Maybe I don't really want it.

Or maybe I just don't feel ready so I don't let myself win the game.

I am my own saboteur.

I guess I like the smell of burning rice.

Overheating Is Bad For You

Well, that's what I get for feeling like everything was actually going right for once.

My aunt and uncle are blessing their baby tomorrow about 25 minutes away and we have been having family gatherings the last two days so I have been driving down there a bit recently. However, it wasn't until tonight on my way back that I noticed the temperature gauge reading all the way over to hot on my engine. That's not good. I parked and checked and lookie there I'm leaking coolant like there's no tomorrow, but the thing is there is a tomorrow and I need my car. Did I blow a gasket or a hose or something? gee-whiz! And it's looking like the levels are reeeeally low, or maybe gone for the coolant so that's not good and I can't really go buy some in the morning because 1. it's Sunday, and B. it's 9am church I need to get to.

I am not a happy camper right now. >:-(

Hey You! You Are Amazing!

Hey you, thanks for reading my blog. That's right you. I love you. You are great, you are incredible. People don't appreciate you and all you do, but someday, someDAY they will. And they'll be all like, "Man, why didn't we appreciate them more back when we didn't?! We really missed out."

You have striking features. Anyone ever tell you that? I'm serious, your eyes... wow. And you know what? You make me smile. Every time I think about you...*ding* there it is, a smile right there on my face. Because you are amazing, that's why. Speaking of smiles, you have a fantastic one, so just keep on smiling and making the world a better place.

You make my life better just because I know you.

You're such a hard worker too. I admire that. You are an inspiration to me, thank you. Because of you, I want to be a better person and give more of myself.

You are strong, you are powerful, you are beautiful, you are without equal.

So keep it up, keep being amazing, and incredible because some of us really love it that you are.



inspiration for this message from here

Man Country

So, I recently moved out of my parents' house and have been in a room in a house with a few other guys and I don't really have the means to put up shelves or make things awesome the way I want to. This was fixed by my birthday present from them. My mom had come over to check out my new digs and upon talking to my dad said that I needed help putting up shelves to which he replied: So what you're saying is, 'he needs to have some tools so he can take care of it himself.'

My dad is extremely knowledgeable when it comes to construction and building stuff. When I was little if ever there was an issue with a toy or something not working I would just go to dad and minutes later it was fixed. This led to the coining of the phrase: Daddy fic-itz!! I used to be challenged when it came to talking, but I just kept practicing and now I'm really good at talking, like, I won't stop so be careful. Anyway, he knows lots of stuff and so I pretty much always know that what he suggests with tools or how to fix stuff is basically the best way to do it, or best tool for the job. They got me a toolbox, a speed square, a Black & Decker drill, a set of bits from Bosch, and a level. I have this overwhelming feeling that I have stepped foot into manhood and there is no turning back. I feel funny... Why is this happening to me? Is this real life? David, like you I have these questions but for me the effect will not subside in a few hours. I'm a man for ever.








Picture from here

Societal Terror

That's right folks, I am officially a menace to society. Never thought it would happen, always imagined when I was little that I'd be married and have at least one kid by now. That's ok though, I think things tend to happen at the right times for us in our lives.

A friend of mine said a couple weeks ago, upon my mention of this impending doom, that I still had plenty of time because she had heard of someone, or knew someone, I don't remember which, who had called the wrong person and ended up talking for 6 hours with her and they ended up getting married. So, she said, just start going through the ward (congregation) list and see if you end up talking to anyone for 6 hours and then marry her. Sound advice to be sure, but unfortunately the day has come and my phone frenzy has left me no nearer to the goal. Just kidding, I didn't call every girl.. I don't know if I could handle that... There was only one real problem with her strategy: her number was not on the list as she had recently moved. But don't worry, I already have it. ;)

Yesss!!

I have been needing this, and now....

IT'S HERE!

MWAHAHAHAHA

Harry Potter

It has been a thrilling ride this past decade +. And since J.K.Rowling began writing the tale of Harry's adventures around 7 years after Harry's adventures started, the story was done when the books began. That is to say Harry, Ron, and Hermione were celebrating the defeat of Voldemort when she published the first book, so now those little young'uns are just about to head off to Hogwarts.

I think it's awesome how a whole generation has grown up with this epic tale of good versus evil. Good always prevails! It's not without sacrifices, sometimes great ones, but in the end love conquers all. In this case I'm not referring to romance, just capital L-O-V-E, the all encompassing enabling power in the heart that gives courage in dark times, peace in tumultuous times, strength when you need it most, and builds unity and loyalty infinitely more powerful than fear-mongering and coercion. I like Harry Potter. It is a great tale.

I'd like to thank my good friend Steph for having a Mom who has a sister that reserved a whole theater for us to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt II at 9pm opening night, that rocked. I went as Waldo dressed as Harry Potter. I liked it.

Oh and by the way, Harry celebrated his 31st birthday yesterday on July 31st. Happy Golden birthday Harry!

Just Around The River Bend

So, you know Pocahontas? Not the actual person, sheesh, she's been dead for hundreds of years! I mean the overly romanticized story loosely based on historical fact that Disney produced. Yeah, it's awesome how she's like 20 instead of like 14 like she was supposed to be. I digress, Pocahontas is awesome. She sings about everything and in one song she talks about the future and all the exciting things you don't know that are coming just around the river bend.

I'm moving this week. Just sort of decided at the beginning of the month that I was really going to do it, and found a place and now I'm moving.

I don't really like packing. I remember on the mission not liking it, and just like lima beans my opinion has not changed. I don't have to pack everything though, just the stuff I'll need and the things I want to have with me... (compy this is you, and also my swords, you all can come too!)

I am kind of excited to be "growing up" and living away from my parents. It's more expensive than mooching, but I think it's time to get out of the nest. My folks have been not super excited with me having a social life that doesn't end at 10pm, and they act like if I'm not home for dinner that I'm not trying to be a part of the family. Then they ask why I don't act more grown up (what does that even mean?) or why it is that I'm not married. Um, I don't know, maybe because I get lectures for not having a girlfriend and then when I am interested in a girl I get lectures about appropriate dating practices and how I shouldn't just focus on one girl.

Time to move out, live my life, be the man I want to be, marry the woman I want to marry, go to school for what I want to go to school for, etc.

Glimpses of the Puzzle

I'm going to refer to Shutter Effect in this post so if you haven't read that one, do it now.

Ok, you're back, good. What? you never left? you didn't go read that one? I'll wait...
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Ok, now you're back. Good.

So, I mentioned how sometimes I see memories of things I have never seen, and later (in the fourth paragraph) that I had feelings that what I was seeing was where I belonged. I don't really know how to describe what I experienced the other day, but I'll give it a shot. Usually, these visions are kind of ambiguous and unclear. However, instead of getting a vague sort of longing or ambiguous picture of things, this time I feel like I got a glimpse of an actual puzzle piece in it's proper place. Now, maybe this isn't like an actual "And it shall come to pass..." type of thing, but it was weird that for a moment, it made perfect sense and seemed totally comfortable. And then the glimpse dissolved like a sand painting in a gust of wind, and I was left looking at the physical world and at the object that had triggered this snapshot of a vision.

You know how when you zone out and come back by yourself (as in nobody really noticed that you were out of it and snapped their fingers in front of your face) and then for a second you don't really know what is going on or how long you were out, and you wonder if anyone noticed but was too nice to just snap their fingers in front of your face? Yeah, I did that. I don't think I was out of it for long, but it was slightly disconcerting not to know if I missed anything. At least I had retained control over my face and I hadn't started drooling or anything. Actually I'm pretty sure this little lapse in consciousness only lasted for a split second, so there really wasn't enough time for anything weird to happen, luckily.

Anyway, I have been trying to stay calm and not freak out, and have had roughly the same level of success as a small child has when trying to patiently await Christmas three days beforehand.

Our Daily Bread

This morning I received news that a neighbor had passed away after his battle with cancer. He had been in a lot of pain recently so it was a blessing that he was taken home. My emotions were pretty close to the surface as I recalled the many memories I had of this exceptional man. He was a bear of a man, large and imposing, but so humble and kind you knew he would be just the right person to trust and rely on. He had always had something positive to say, and encouraged everyone to be their best.

Recently I went on a camping trip with some friends and as I walked to my friend's house I saw him and his wife sitting on their front porch. He was looking weaker and was in a wheelchair, but his eyes were the same: warm, and safe. He asked me how I was, and if I was staying out of trouble. His voice was strained with the effort of speaking loud enough for me to hear, but I could hear his signature kindness and concern in his tone. We exchanged a few words then I wished him well and he me, encouraging me, as he always did, to be my best. Those were the last words I exchanged with him.

Each day we rely on the same being for our daily bread. He makes the Earth turn, plants grow, sun shine, and rivers flow, and He does it all for us. He gives us our breath, and has placed us here to earn our bread by the sweat of our brow. My neighbor was a good example of working hard and trusting in the Lord. Then, yesterday, he finished his labors and left this world to enter the next.

I love that man. It was always easy to do, because he loved everyone and you knew it too.

Why I Choose Video Games Over Girls

I can hardly even begin to describe to you how unmotivated I am right now in regards to dating and relationships in general. Actually, I'm not really a fan of human interaction right now.

I don't really know why exactly, but there seems to be a pattern of some kind which repeats itself over and over, and I think I know a few of the ingredients. Every once in a while I just lose all momentum, or energy for trying to connect with people. All I want to do is pull back into my fortress of solitude. I feel like my emotional well has but a few drops at the bottom, and I need it to rain.

I sometimes love the rain. There is a sweet serenity in the torrent of tiny plummeting droplets.

I love to love, I have said this before. Forgive the weak analogy; our hearts are like batteries and love is the charge in them. You can use the charge for just about anything but if you don't receive a charge back eventually your charge runs out. Now, from a Christian standpoint we will always be sustained by God so you should be fine in life, and yes that's true, but I just want to look at people right now. I go through times where I try, and I give, and I make efforts, and after months of it... it's still just me and my human relationship batteries are low.

Sorry, that is an imperfect analogy.

I feel like I could probably try for just a little longer and something might just be right there a few steps away, waiting just over that hill, or right around the corner. But man, I'm so tired of giving, and spending hours planning and thinking and trying and doing nice things and buying flowers and paying for everything. You know what? fill out an application for my time and I'll get back to you. And this is why I turn to video games. They love you back. I start the game, I play it, and it is exactly what I hoped it would be. Then I stop and I am satisfied and everything was great.

I don't like it when I stop caring. I want to care, I love caring. I just want someone to care back, to reciprocate. I really don't like that I feel so apathetic to the whole thing because there's this really awesome girl that I am completely impressed with, she's amazing, like, for real, and interesting and I could seriously just listen to her talk for hours, and she's gorgeous and I haven't the slightest clue why she even talks to me, but she does. I haven't called her all week. I should. She's awesome.

I feel so tired.

I need it to rain.

FOURTH OF JULY!!!

Happy Fourth of July everybody, hope you get to watch fireworks and have just a grand ol' time. Be safe, and have fun!

Muah!

The Silence is Deafening

After you say everything you could possibly say, the proverbial ball is most definitely in the other person's court. So, when you don't hear anything for a while it is pretty unnerving. I feel like breaking the silence, but what else is there to say? Luckily for me life keeps happening and I am still a part of it.

Yesterday a friend called me at 12:40 am and was a bit stressed about things. I did my best to calm her down and we ended up talking until 3:30-ish... What?!

I am pretty pumped about the long weekend, and hopefully there will be tons of fun stuff to do. If I don't post before then, Happy Fourth of July everybody!

500

Yesterday at about 7pm my blog received its 500th view. That deserves a party. Let's all get together, that's right people of the interweb, we must come together and have, as they say, "a grand ol' time".

I'd like to thank the academy for being self-centered and having nothing to do with my blog whatsoever. I'd also like to thank a random stranger for potentially viewing my blog and making the world a better place. I mostly just want to see their reaction to being thanked. I think it would be a riot!

I'd like to thank you, my readers, and especially you, whom I have interacted with and learned from and written about. Thank you for teaching me, sparking thoughts, and helping me see the world a little bit differently.

You rock :-)

Alternator

So two weeks ago my car died in the middle of the intersection directly under the freeway overpass. You know, the one with cars going every which way? Yeah, well, it just cuts out and I throw it in neutral to get over to the side where there's some space and start trying to ask someone to give me a jump. It was about 10:45 pm though, and I was wearing my fedora and Michael Jackson-esque jacket, so I must have looked kinda scary. No one wanted to help me.

It was sad.

Then this police officer pulled over and asked me what was wrong and I told him and he pulled around to give me a jump. I got my car running but it died again the moment the cables were disconnected so I figured the alternator must not be providing voltage like it should. He was kind enough to wait a while and let his system charge mine up a bit and I was able to get down the hill and to the gas station, all with a police escort mind you! That was pretty cool.

I had to leave it there overnight and get a ride from my mom back home. I called a few people the next day to see if anyone would be able to help me and had to finally call my cousin (what's family for right?) and he was able to lend a hand. I really didn't want to get towed somewhere so I instead spent that 100+ dollars on a new battery to get it home and then go from there. I have a friend who offered to help me if it turned out to be the alternator and I called him up and made plans to fix it the next day.

We went to AutoZone and got the part I needed and started in on the repair. In many a car the alternator is pretty easy to get to just sitting on the side of the engine and all you do is take off the belt, unplug the wires, remove three or four bolts and ta-DA! you're done. Then you just put the new one in and bolt it, plug it in, and put on the belt and then you're really done. And that should take an hour or less. But does anything ever happen the way it "should"? HAHAHAHAHA that is a good one, NO of course not! My alternator is right under the engine and above the A/C compressor and right behind the fan, so it's super awkward to get at. Unless I have a winch I ain't getting at it from the top and I ain't got no winch. So, the only other option is to jack up the car and get to it from the bottom which means you have to pull off the A/C compressor but not let it hang by the hoses or if they come off you'll have coolant and crap all over the place. Then you have to fit a wrench in there and blindly take out the bolts and the last bolt is sort of resting in a little groove so you have to lift the bottom of the alternator while rocking the top down and forward. By the way, your arm is in this weird position so lifting and holding and moving a heavy object is reeeeeeaaaaallllyyy difficult. Then you have to put the new one in by reversing the process.

Now, usually it is pretty easy once you have all that done to just throw on the belt turn on the engine and check everything. However, the belt tensioner, which is a little pulley on an adjustable arm that provides the tension necessary to hold the belt on and at a comfortable working tightness, was not moving. the bolt head that you would put a socket wrench on was stripped and so we had to pry the belt on using multiple screwdrivers.

And so we completed the job and it only took three hours. That's only three times longer than it "should" have taken. I drove home and was pleased that I wouldn't be doing THAT again.

I drove it to the trax station twice and to church and then I went on vacation and my car sat there for a little more than five days and then I noticed my lights were a bit dim on Monday when I got back and it started doing that same pre-dying sort of stuff that it had done the first time. I got home and cleaned the battery terminals and that seemed to get rid of the problem, a bit of corrosion had probably gotten in the way of the connection. The next day I got the same reluctance when I started the car and I started checking the voltage on the system. Turns out the battery was being drained which means I was probably running off the new battery the whole time I had the new alternator, and the alternator was probably bad! *Primal yell!!!*

Are you KIDDING ME?!

I could only hobble down to Big-O and they said they would check it for me. I was already late for work and my mom, bless her for her patience, took me to the trax station. The next morning I got the car and sure enough the alternator was bad. Oh. My. Goodness. I was going to punch something. I had had plans to go out to a movie with someone, yes a girl, and this was like throwing several wrenches into the works. My good friend said he'd help me again since we would know what we were doing this time and it wouldn't take as long. This was good because I wanted to see about catching a late showing of the movie if possible.

I had called the AutoZone and told them what was up and how I needed a new alternator, preferably one that worked, and they said they had one that they would test and hold for me. When I got there just a few hours later, they said they didn't have it anymore. Good one guys, nice. So they called the store a few miles up the road. They had one, yay! Before taking it, I asked them to test it and it failed. The guy said he had never seen that happen before, and we were like, "We have. Twice." I asked him to call one of the other stores to see if they had one and to make them test it before we drove over there and he said that he would as long as they weren't busy. I said that I didn't care if they were busy make them test it because if I walked through that door, I'd be making them test it anyway. They said it passed and we went to pick it up. So, now we were only two hours behind schedule.

The process went much the same only this time it only took two hours to do, which would have been a great thing and I could have gotten home and cleaned up before the movie, but as it was with the extra two hours tacked on I wasn't going to get home until the movie had already started. That was a bummer.

Stupid car parts not working.

Heart to Heart

Letting people see the soft and vulnerable places of our hearts can be one of the hardest and most scary things to do. It's kind of funny though, because letting people see that you are human allows them to be close to you. As someone shares their thoughts, fears, joys, hopes, dreams, failures, triumphs, and heartaches, you can't help but love them even more. We are so afraid of letting people in. We need to let people in.

How do you let something go when all you want to do is hold it tighter? It's the weirdest thing to sit next to someone you love and be ok with letting them go if you have to. It's not my favorite feeling mind you, but in a painful sort of way it's kind of comforting. I guess it's not painful, more heartache-y, in a happy melancholy way. Man that's a hard emotion to describe. Sitting on the sidewalk watching Scorpio dance across the sky, I realized I loved you.

I hope I have what it takes to follow my own advice. We sometimes long for things to come back, for doors to open again and let us in. When a door closes we want nothing more than for that door to be opened to us again, we would do things differently, we would be better, we would do whatever it took for that door to open just one more time. This breaks my heart because I have felt this many times before. Many, many times. But if we stand there, holding that closed door, willing it to open, staring at its surface, wishing we could get inside, or even just see inside again, we will miss every other door God opens for us. There may even be a better door just a few steps away, wide open. Until we let go and walk away from the closed door, we can never be content without it. We will always be stuck, we won't progress, we will become fearful and uncertain about many other things, and disappointment, guilt, and endless "if only"s will weigh down our souls. Who knows, that door might open again. But if it does and all we did was stare at it the whole time and make plans for how we would change and do things right, will we really, truly be ourselves, or will we constantly be striving to be what we think they want us to be? What kind of life is that?

It can be so hard to let go. But then my thoughts turn to the most famous line of John Greenleaf Whittier's poem Maud Muller: "For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these: 'It might have been!'" I think we usually use this line to describe how we feel about the doors that are closed to us, but I feel like this describes even more poignantly the doors that stand so long open, but then close when we choose not to see them. It makes me wonder, "what am I not seeing that God would that I should have?"

Relationship Answers with Shinobi Jim Ph.D.

The Ph.D. stands for physically devastating, but that's just cuz I'm a ninja, I'm really supportive emotionally :)

Picture, if you will, a relationship between a guy and a girl. Pretty easy right? So, imagine that the girl dumps the guy but still wants to hang out with him because they are still "really good friends". She starts to get confused because he has begun to act like a jerk all the time. She asks him what is wrong and he gives some answer regarding some trivial aspect of the relationship that was, or is currently happening. (hint: this is not really the reason he is acting like a jerk, he doesn't actually want to address the real reason.) The REAL reason is that the girl dumped him and he's experiencing a lot of hurt and confusion as she is continuing to play an active role in his life, and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Girls may not understand why boys act this way but turn it around, if he dumped her how would she feel? Even if it were for the same noble reasons, she would feel hurt and want to withdraw. What is confusing about that?

Let's take a look at it from a different perspective, in the form of a parable.

There was a certain man who loved cookies. Cookies were wonderful things to him and chocolate chip was his favorite variety. One day he was walking through his kitchen when the cookie jar said, "Come, try this cookie, it is probably the best one I have made yet!" You see, it was a magic cookie jar that made cookies all the time, and it was good at its job. 

The man reached out and smelled the cookie, it was a perfect chocolate chip cookie. He took a bite and the cookie jar suddenly snatched it back! "Hey! What was that about?! I was enjoying that cookie, and I wasn't done!"

The cookie jar looked back at the man and said, "Well, I figured just looking at it would be as much fun as eating it. See, isn't this great? You get to stand there in the same room as the cookie and look at it, and think about how yummy it is."

The man was very frustrated and really didn't feel like being near the cookie so he said that he didn't actually want to have that cookie anyway since it had too many chocolate chips (not the real reason), and stormed off.

The cookie jar thought to itself, "you know, I bet if I took out all the chocolate chips he would love to be near this cookie." So, the cookie jar ripped out all the chocolate chips and went to find the man.

When the cookie jar found the man it showed him the newly refurbished cookie in its hands and said, "look! I took out all those annoying chocolate chips so now it's just the way you wanted it to be! Now do you want to hang out with it?"

The man had a hard time expressing his feelings about the situation and wasn't about to tell the cookie jar why just looking at a cookie that he had recently been enjoying on an entirely different and more intimate level wasn't really very satisfactory.

The cookie jar was worried by the silence and thought it knew why the man didn't like the cookie, so from then on it only made chocolate chip cookies without chocolate chips. The cookie jar hoped that by changing how it made cookies no one would be dissatisfied with them ever again.

The cookie jar in this story ended up changing a fundamental part of its cookies even though the cookies weren't the problem and everyone else who ever wanted a cookie would have to deal with the lack of chocolate chips. The man may have just needed time to adjust to this new way of experiencing chocolate chip cookies or maybe things would never be the same. Regardless, changing how it made cookies didn't solve anything for that situation and wouldn't help anything in the future, in fact, assuming that no one else will enjoy chocolate chips in their chocolate chip cookies is more likely to hurt any future relationships with cookie lovers.

The chocolate chips represent something like communicating openly or in a way that builds a relationship. This "chip" isn't really a problem but removing it will be. The "chip" could be any number of things that are useful in fleshing out or adding depth to a relationship. When we look back at ended relationships we sometimes blame one of these "chips" and vow never to use that again, when in fact that chip may be exactly the right thing for a relationship this time. It can be hard to allow ourselves to give a new relationship the chance to form itself, to grow in the best possible way, because we try so hard to force it to work by using the "right recipe". Some things just take time, some need a little more of this or that, but adaptation is really important.

Second Thoughts

So, I was pretty pumped about letting people know that I have a blog, I got all happy when the number of page views jumped from 280 to 350 in one day, that's pretty fun. But now, I find that I don't feel as free to talk about whatever I want to because I know people are looking to see if I talk about them in my posts. I want to express myself without worrying if someone will read it and be (insert emotional reaction here). I know that people have a tendency to make assumptions and I don't really want to be the cause of misunderstanding or drama.

And so, it is with some apprehension and a little bit of defiance that I tell you now: Get over it! Ok, that was partly for me too. I read other people's blogs and it doesn't seem like they care what other people think or even get out of what they write, but to me people are one of the most important things in life and the people in mine are even more so, and I don't like being a jerk. What I write is the stuff I think about, so read it like that.

Thank you.

From here on out I'm going to pretend that nothing has changed and write like I ever did. And if you think you've found mention of yourself, take a moment, pat yourself on the back, maybe jump and shout a bit, you know, do what you gotta do, and then be happy. If you don't seem to find anything that relates to you, take a moment, pat yourself on the back, maybe jump and shout a bit, you know, do what you gotta do, and then be happy.

Thank you.

Intimidation

Have you ever met someone who so thoroughly intimidates you that you simply don't know how to function as a normal human being around them? Who makes you wonder what it is that validates your existence?

Me neither.

Serum

I do not believe that it is possible to be unhappy whilst drinking BYU Creamery chocolate milk. It is like an emotional invulnerability serum, protecting you from anything that isn't awesome. It's like Popeye's spinach, only, not green and not gross. It turns my taste buds into joy buds. Its luscious, creamy chocolaty-ness swirls past my tongue and down my throat, filling me with a sense of peaceful jubilation like the bubbling of rivulets trickling merrily into the serenity of a still pool.

If you can't tell I really like chocolate milk.

Avoiding Destiny

It's easy to see the reasons for our frustrations in the people around us. If he wasn't so lazy... if she would just say what she was thinking... if only they would listen... I would (communicate more, say what I felt, be better etc) but he/she isn't being (honest, fair, responsible, etc.) so I'm going to wait until (X) happens before I...

I am a victim of this brand of thinking. I have thought many times that things are the way they are because of someone else and when they finally get it, I'll be able to do what I wanted to do. This does not allow me to be free, nor am I able to be completely satisfied knowing that I have done what I wanted to do no matter the outcome. Notice I did not say happy. I would be happier with my hoped for result, but by doing nothing, nothing happens. This virtually guarantees that the result I hope for will not be the observed outcome. How often will someone be able to read our minds and suddenly understand how we feel and what we want and make the necessary effort to realize OUR hopes and dreams? I'll let you answer that.

I usually get to a point where I feel like I need to "understand" what the other person is thinking, and at the same time explain my point of view in hopes that they will "understand" me and where I'm coming from, and what I'm thinking and this will be the magic that makes everything happen the way I would like it to from now on. More often,... alright, nearly every time, the product of this conversation is not anywhere close to what I pictured. Half the time it's not even very good, and sometimes it's bad. Sometimes trying to "figure everything out" really just "messes everything up" which isn't what we want which is why we tried so hard in the first place to "figure everything out". As Master Oogway says on Kung Fu Panda, "One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it." I believe this happens when we make decisions, or more broadly, act, from a perspective of uncertainty and fear. When we act out of fear it is our fear that becomes the focal point of our actions. Even though we do not want our fears to be realized and try to take actions to move away from them, they are the central influence and thus become the more likely result.

I guess what I'm saying is act out of an attitude of faith that you will succeed. With success as the understood outcome the question is no longer "If" but "how". You will not get bogged down trying to analyze and avoid everything you interpret to be undesirable, but you'll be free to move forward and create opportunities for success.

I think it's interesting how we seem to be unwilling to say what we mean in a way others will understand us. Sometimes I think we are afraid to say what we want to say because of social pressures, or because we are unsure how the other person may respond. Or how about the fact that we act contrary to what we say? I don't mean the way we all say things like, "people ought to give to charities more," and then we don't give more to charities. I mean more along the lines of maintaining continuity between our verbal and nonverbal communications. Sometimes we say "yes" but then we act like it's not something we wanted to participate in. Other times we say "no" but then we act like we're disappointed when it doesn't happen.

The topic of misdirection came up in a recent conversation I had. I mentioned how frustrating it can be when people say one thing and then act like that's not what they meant and my conversational counterpart said they didn't like that either and had decided that by not saying or doing anything which could be misinterpreted they avoided misdirecting people. Basically by being intentionally hard to read, by not actually saying or doing anything with any sort of social implication or interpretation, one would never be misread. I didn't say what I thought about that at the time because the concept was simple enough I didn't get confused until later. If you never actually say or do what you mean then no one will actually know what you mean, and will therefore misread you with any attempt to do so. So, in reality, every time someone tries to read you, you will be misread due to the very thing you do to insure that you won't be.

I'm sorry if any of the above was confusing. I suppose there really isn't just one simple explanation for the varied ways people can produce confusion for themselves and others. If I take a look at myself I see that by being overly cautious I am not actually being true to myself, I am not doing what I really mean to do and I cheat myself of my goal. Who would actually try to sabotage their own efforts? No one would consciously admit to it, but we do this all the time! Due to our past experiences we try to act in a way that will bring success to our current situation. We build a template for our actions based on the past but usually ignore the current situation's unique set of circumstances and then when we realize things aren't going the way we want we become afraid to do or say what we really think or feel. Others sometimes become confused by this type of behavior and react in a similar manner, avoiding saying or doing anything definitive which just adds to the overall confusion. Honesty really is the best policy. Honesty in this case doesn't mean to say everything that may be on your mind, don't throw away your tact, but be honest to yourself and to others by doing what you mean to do, and saying what you mean to say. It may mean that you take a moment to really think about what you want, what you want to do or say, and how to do or say it, but I feel like it will pay off more than flailing wildly through life's events, reacting unconsciously instead of consciously acting.

What would you do if you weren't afraid? You know what you're afraid of. You know what it is that holds you back, why you don't do what you want to do. In some cases you may think you don't know, or you may think that there isn't a reason, and this will usually mean that it's something you don't know how to come to terms with or don't want to admit. Good luck with that, because until you are willing to find it, define it, own it (take personal responsibility for it), and allow people to help you with it, it will plague you and affect countless other aspects of your life. What would you do if you weren't afraid? Would you try out for the team? Would you speak up in that business meeting? Would you ask out that girl everyone seems intimidated by? Would you be more generous in your communications with others? Would you be the person you want to be? When you face a challenge, will you admit defeat before the fight's begun? Or would you rise to the occasion and boldly move forward? Would you be ashamed of your shortcomings? Or confident in your efforts and plans to overcome them?

"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." ~ Isaiah 41:10

"Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." ~D&C 6:36

What would you do/be/say/feel if you weren't afraid?

Contented

I love subway.

Food is sooo good.

I had some.

I'm not hungry.

Insatiable

It happened again. It happens every day! Over and over I get these same urges. This hollowness in the pit of my stomach for more. I can't stay away. The pit grows deeper, more ravenous.

Food is sooo good.

I don't have any...

I'm hungry.

Stalkers

You know who you are.

Sometimes stalkers are creepy, sometimes they can just be weirdos that don't know how to say hi but really want to and then they just hover around your periphery like an awkward satellite, orbiting you at a distance that doesn't allow for easy conversation, but is close enough to make both of you uncomfortable. Sometimes you have a stalker that you'll never find out about. And sometimes, you become friends with your stalkers :) but this can be tricky, you want to take into consideration several things before you take this step, I think you can probably think of a few things. If you can't, let's just say it has a lot to do with the amount of information they know, how creepy or normal they are around you and others, if they have other friends, or if they are anything like this. (watch from 3:30 to 5:20)

But before I go on, I hope none of you are feeling guilty right now. Don't worry, I'm a ninja. I have done lots of stalking. This was usually because I needed to not be friends with these targets people because my sword has a hard time being nice of extenuating circumstances. Just remember that the difference between a stalker and a really good friend is that you won't know you're friends with a stalker whereas you will know you're friends with your friend. Another difference is that friends are mutually interested in each other and a stalker is excessively interested in finding out everything there is to know without exposing themselves. So, if you ever find out that a person you're stalking is stalking you, you might as well say hi, you're basically friends without the friendship part, and really, it's the friendship part that is the most fun.

I love my friends. I also love you, my stalkers. But before the stalkers get too excited, remember I don't actually know you, so it's not a huge love like you have for me. Remember also that I'm a ninja and if you're the scary/creepy/dangerous kind of stalker I would strongly encourage you to get counseling before I find you. If you're the acquaintance type who facebook stalked me and found this blog, likes photography, may or may not have a really cool accent, and likes crepes, I may or may not have stalked you back,... so, let's be friends.

True Love

"Maybe your first love sticks with you because they're the only one who'll receive all of you. No matter what, a piece of you remains in their heart: a piece no future lover could ever get. That piece holds innocence, friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you'll never forget, and that one night under the stars you can never get back. It holds youth, and everything you thought love would be."

~Unknown


Maybe true love is learning to access that little part of your heart again, the part you gave to your first love, to let it out and give it to someone else. Not to forget what your heart has gone through or abandon what that first love meant or the people who have touched it, even held it closely, but to learn to let it expand, to encompass more than you thought it could, to grow so deep it aches with the joy and the pain and the trust and the hope and the love of all that went before. And then with that same innocence, now coupled with the wisdom gained through heartache, to give it all to another.

Memorial Day

Well, May is just about over and it still doesn't feel anywhere close to summer. I went on a hike with some of the ward members earlier today and the trail was super muddy and treacherous! I mean, this is Ensign Peak, it's like the easiest hike in the world and there were a few places I thought I was going to eat it and get covered in mud, or totally have a shoe get sucked off my foot and eaten. We all made it up and back, went to lunch and got back home about 2.

I have been really wishing I had a better graphics card for my computer. Mine is really limited by it's 512 Mb memory and 128-bit bus. I thought about just waiting forever until I build a new freakish rig someday (I am eventually going to have (but not till I have a place that I won't be moving from or where I have roommates I don't trust) a liquid cooled setup with whatever beastly components I can find at that point.) but then I would sit here and be sad about my current graphics card until then and that's not fun. I found a pretty cool deal on an NVIDIA GTX 460 for $185 with a $35 instant rebate and a $30 MIR which comes to $120. Normally I would never do a mail in rebate because they are so stupid, but this one actually goes to EVGA and not some weird third party source that you never hear back from. So I thought I'd risk it, and besides I don't mind $150 for this card, it's pretty sweet. It should do much better with 1GB of memory and 256-bit bus, not to mention the 336 Cuda cores and PhysX technology, oh or the fact that it's the superclocked version. :-D oh yeah.

The Way it Goes

So I had planned a date for today in the morning, because that's when I don't have work and she was available then too, and it was going to be great! We were going to go eat and then go play at her favorite little park and have tons of fun with the partly cloudy, definitely sunny most of the time, weather. I planned on picking her up at 11am so I needed to head out early if I was going to have time to get flowers! I headed to the local grocery store and traced the familiar path back to the floral section to see what kinds of arrangements they had this time. This girl loves blue, so when, in the sea of reds and yellows and pinks, I saw bright blue petals I knew that was the bouquet I was getting.

As I approached the check out lines I looked at the express lane, the one that says 15 items or less, and made eye contact with the cashier, who was just finishing up helping a customer and was waiting for them to swipe their card. She hurriedly switched off the light on her lane indicator signifying that she was no longer available for customers to come through her lane. I thought some frustrated thoughts since the other two lines had people with significantly more than 15 items in their carts and I was under time constraints. My turn comes and I whiz through the process, head out to my car, ~* It is at this point that I would like to say how much I love my longboards. I LOVE them, they are so handy! You see they are in the back of my car and when I go to the store I park somewhere where there are no cars up at the top of the parking lot and cruise in on my board. I don't like wasting time looking for a spot up close that will save me walking distance/time because the time it takes to find one close cancels the other out. Then when I'm heading back out to my car I don't have to be all slow and walk there, I can hop on and push a couple times and ta-DA!! I'm there.*~ and drive out to her place. I pulled into the circle at 10:59 and walked up to the door and rang the bell at 11:00. Nice. By the way, still mostly sunny and partly cloudy.

Her grandmother answered the door and smiled at the flowers in my hand. My date was behind her and didn't see the flowers at first, until she opened the screen door to come out. She paused and the excited smile I really like spread over her face as I handed them to her. She turned to her grandma and asked if they had another vase since the one with the roses would be too small (a small question mark popped into my head at that) and the cute old lady bustled off to find one. I waited in the entry way while my date started preparing the flowers though soon she turned and looked at me as if to say, "what are you still doing over there?" She asked me if I was going to stand by the door all day, and I took that as an invitation to follow her into the kitchen.

~* Side note: you see, young men, it is not really appropriate to assume that you suddenly have free reign in someone else's home and should therefore wait to be invited in further. Not a lot of people know that, but I will say that it will earn you bonus points with anyone over 40 who was taught this as a child, and extra mucho bonus points with anyone from a generation who expected that sort of behavior from their children ;) End of side note*~

Her grandma came back with a vase that was just on the large side for the amount of flowers in the bouquet and excused herself from the room. My date went over to the vase with the roses in it and commented that even though the roses were in water they had managed to dry themselves out. I wondered again why she was telling me about these roses which were probably from some other guy or that were just there because her grandparents like roses, but I had to admit, it was pretty cool that they had dried standing up and still looked so nice. She got the fresh flowers arranged in the vase and put them on the sill and threw away the roses and washed out that vase. And then we were off!

We wanted waffles so we went to the Red Rooster, but they had closed... sad. So we went to IHOP, but they were undergoing renovations and gave us a five dollars off coupon. So we went to the IHOP down the way and had a yummy meal. All this time the clouds got thicker and there was less and less sun shining...not cool clouds, back off!

After lunch we went to her favorite park, which was close to where she used to live just a couple weeks ago before she moved to her grandparents' house. At some point while we were there at the park I realized why she had told me about those roses. All the pieces started falling into place now that we were back in the old stomping grounds you see. I had given them to her May 9th because she had had a super long weekend and I wanted to cheer her up. That was two full weeks ago and she hadn't moved yet! She moved and brought them with her! How cute is that?! Super, that's how. I parked and we made our way to this really cool play structure. I'm going to see if I can find a picture of it somewhere, because that would be awesome.

Well, I couldn't find any pictures of the place, but maybe I'll take some. Anyway, the structure was like a cube standing on one point and had a frame made out of smooth metal poles like on a swing set and the rest of the structure was a network of ropes linked together all over the place. It was really cool and really fun. We were on the smaller one and there was a bridge over to the bigger one where we spent a lot of time. We had a race to see who could get down from the top the fastest... my date won because she's smaller and fit through the tight spaces better. Then we raced to the top... I won because I'm taller and stronger. After sitting and talking for a bit, suspended 15 feet in the air, tangled in the network of ropes, we crossed the street and walked up the hill to a dome that resembled the cube structures and climbed on that a bit. The sun had decided that it didn't want to play so we dealt with the clouds and breeze. The dome was a little less amazing so we weren't on that for too long and instead went over to part of the park that has art sculptures that are designed to be skated on, a pretty good idea I thought. She went to the top of a little protruding mound and I found a little red hollow plastic ball which I tossed to her. I missed a couple times, though she didn't really move much to try to catch it. I started walking away, once she had the ball, to go check out something else and had only gone a few steps when I felt a soft stinging in the middle of my back. Spinning around I noticed the ball rolling around near my feet and a certain girl standing on a mound a few paces away with a mischievously coy grin on her face. I picked up the ball and walked to the top of the mound just inches away from her and placed the ball in a pocket in her hoodie.

We walked around the skate park art and back down to the dome where we each playfully bumped into each other a few times. The dome was on the top of a hill so we decided to roll down and get dizzy. The rest of the time we just sat and talked, and I stole her shoe a couple times, and we played with the little red ball, stuffing blades of grass into the tiny hole.

I took her back home and went to get ready for work. Hugs are pretty nice. As I went to the train station guess who showed up? The SUN! what the heck dude!? where were you all day!? The rest of the day the sun was shining and I just shook my head.

That's just the way it goes I guess.

Go to google maps and put in the following coordinates:


40.553959,-111.999369 the park we climbed around on
40.554078,-111.998755 the hill we rolled down

Lack of Sleep

So, I didn't wake up on time for my shift today... lame. I think it's because I couldn't sleep.
I went to bed at 11,
high five me,
and woke up at 12...
fell asleep at 2...
woke up at 3...
fell asleep at 4...
woke up at 4:30...
fell asleep at 7ish...
woke up at 8...
Then I was in and out of semi-consciousness for a while and then my coworker calls me and asks if I'm ok, or if I just forgot to come in. Dang. Not so much high five...

Well, I think one of the other reasons I forgot was that it was the only shift that was different than normal and I usually think to myself in church when they announce FHE, "I'll get there after I get off work."

I know I checked my schedule though, because I was making plans to take a girl on a date during the week sometime and needed to figure out what day was going to work best based on our schedules.

I really don't know what happened there.

Kung Fu

So I don't even know why it's so hard for me to write things. I kinda like writing. I guess I get bogged down in the process of building something when I can't tell how long it's going to take and I might not get done or be happy with the result. That's silly though, you can always change something or put it on hold as you create it. I feel like lots of things happen in my life, but I don't really take the time to put it down anywhere. Well, I'm going to try a bit harder at that.

I can't believe I didn't write about it when it was going on, but I decided to attend a kung fu rank test on April 22nd and 23rd. I began taking Wing Chun Kung Fu at SLCC in January from Bill Smith, Si-gung of the Sil Lum Kung Fu Club in Salt Lake and the surrounding regions. It was a fun class where we were allowed to fight and yell and stuff. I really enjoyed learning kung fu and even though it was physically taxing a lot of the time I knew there was knowledge and skill to be gained so I went for it and it payed off.

I don't really like working out, in fact I almost try not to it seems. I hate feeling all shaky and tired and sweaty and smelly and like I can't move properly or breathe well. I think what I hated about it the most was the lack of mental stimulation. I know how to lift this weight over and over, I know how to do something until I can't anymore. It just seemed so pointless, the only thing all of this mind numbing repetition was for was the results of more definition in my muscles and better health. Don't get me wrong, those are good things, and who doesn't want to be healthier and have better musculature? I know I do, but the mind numbing part was just too much. That's why I love kung fu! You're learning skills not just doing something over and over that doesn't mean anything. You're doing something over and over so you can be awesome!

So, back to the kung fu rank test. BRUTAL is the only word to describe it. I have never been exhausted so entirely in such a short amount of time. Oh, it didn't feel short while we were there, but three hours isn't that long really. A three hour workout is definitely a long time though, and since it's composed of partially warm-up type things and doing precise kung fu moves the exam judges never run out of things to make you do better, more, or harder. But that three hour session was only the first half of the test, you see, there was another round of this slotted for the next day! I usually work on Saturdays in the morning so this would have posed a problem, but luckily my work was scheduled to be closed this particular Saturday so I was free... for more torture. We did more of the same, including doing a whole lot of horse stance, and then we did stations where we had to do stuff like holding containers of weight out to the side at full arm extension while flat walking down the Kwoon (like dojo) and back, going all out on punching bags doing all manner of kung fu to them the whole time, practicing kicks against targets, and attacking iron sand filled wall mounted targets. And whenever we were in line for a station we were to sit in horse stance 100% of the time practicing blocks. Then we paired up and did some conditioning (beating our arms together with a partner's or kicking each other in the ribs/shins etc.) until our judges were satisfied we knew how to condition. Then it was on to demonstrating The form, and then techniques with a partner and that was actually really fun. At one point while defending against punches my partner didn't do anything when the sifu said hai, so I actually punched him in the face. He was really good about it though, and laughed that he had just stood there. It was right in front of one of the judges too and he just chuckled and said, "do something!"

Finally the test was over and we sat on the mats in silence and waited. And waited. And then they came out and began presenting us with our rank advancements. Everyone starts out as a white sash, but after this test, if you pass it, becomes a gold sash. I'm a gold sash in the wing chun system :) It was kind of funny when we were presented with our certificates and sashes I remember thinking: "I hope I don't get called first, I want to see what I'm supposed to do," and then guess what happened... yeah, I got called first. Hahaha well so much for that, I just did the best I could and that was all I had been doing so it worked out.

The Tiger in Me

I'm not even sure what I want to write about.

Emotions are powerful things. Important things. Sometimes it's important to pull yourself away from them for a moment so you can see the bigger picture. Sometimes you have to hold onto an emotion and let it fill the moment.

It's interesting how my own personal state is so greatly affected by others and the interactions of their lives with mine.

I find this to be much like a dance, perhaps a reel or something, where all persons are engaged and dancing their steps but depending on the level of effort and/or accuracy the dance may be enjoyable or rather frustrating. Many such dances have you switching partners after each set of steps. Two such are: Lucky Seven, and The Gay Gordons both of which are performed in a circle. Upon completion of the foundational steps in The Gay Gordons your partner moves to the next person and you receive a new one at the same time with whom you will now dance the original steps again. This is repeated until the music is done and is quite a lovely dance to watch (and to do if you know it! ;).

In Lucky Seven dancers take hands in a large ring and dance a few steps in unison...

after which the ladies turn to the gentleman on their left and the gentlemen to their right and prepare to weave in opposite directions, each taking the hand of the next person coming into range...

until they arrive at the seventh person and perform a behind the back spin placing everyone back at the proper positions to begin the set again! It is very fun but very tiring and you're never partners with anyone for long.

So, 'what the heck' you say? Well, let me tell you what I'm talking about. People sometimes fluctuate in and out of our lives, or perhaps up or down in the level of influence in our lives and it is like a dance. Decisions and actions taken by you or them form the steps that move you through the dance, drawing sometimes closer to some, and further from others. Emotion is tied closely with dancing and when one is in harmony with their partner and the music it is almost euphoric. When the steps are out of sync, or you stumble through the cadence of the music the dance becomes painful.

Waiting is hard to do. I hate trying to be patient for something that I really want. I'm usually not when it comes to stuff. I was interested in building a computer so I did. I like swords and when I see a really cool one I want to have it. I'm much better at not buying swords though, since there's not much to justify $200 for a thing I'll put in the corner. But I sure do like sharp shiny metal things. It's different when it's not stuff. The intangible is so much harder to wait for. I feel like my heart is saying, "Are we there yet?! Are we there yet?! Are we there yet?!" and I have to keep saying, "No. No. Look I'll tell you when we get close, ok?"

So, the tiger in me wants to pounce, but any good jungle cat knows sometimes you have to wait it out. Never let your eyes wander from your goal, but use time instead of force, and let your prey come to you.

A list of Stuff

Ok, it has been a long time since I wrote anything in here. So how about a recap of recent events beginning from the last post. Well, and some stuff before it.

1. Began a Dungeons & Dragons game with Phillip, Stephanie, and Matt.
2. Leveled Up
3. Experienced some miscommunication
4. Had an awkward Valentine's day
   
5. Julie and I broke up
6. Kung Fu was a beast and made me throw up (but I love Kung Fu, it rocks)
7. Amanda got home from her mission
8. I got a new CPU cooler that has red LEDs and it's awesome.
   
9. I took a girl from my ward out a couple of times
10. A girl from my FHS class sent me a couple vibes (I'll come around to this again in a bit)
11. Learned some jujitsu
12. Met a girl that went to my junior high at the same time I did, in my same grade, who I could not remember. Let's just say she grew up... a lot.
13. Got her number
    
14. Went on a date with a different girl from my ward and played racquetball for the first time. totally awesome
15. Got a wicked bruise on my arm from Kung Fu/Jujitsu
16. Decided to pick up on the vibes from earlier and got the girl's number
17. Ordered a modular PSU for my computer that has an LED switch so I can make the LEDs blue, white, or turn them off. It's a 1000 watt bad boy
18. Ordered a book that my coworker and friend Renee's friend wrote called Entwined
    
19. Took out the girl from my class and had fun "ring shopping"
20. Received the book less than 24 hours from the time I ordered it, totally a record.
21. Wrote this list of stuff that happened

I don't feel like typing or thinking, so I'm done now.

St. Valenfreakintine's Day

Ugh.

Issues:

• My girlfriend waiting until she's going to explode before she says something's making her upset.

• School.

• Homework being on the chapter about love intimacy and friendship and me not having a good day in that section of life.

• The fact that both assignments are due today, and they both have to do with that crap.

Horrible Timing!!!

Speaking of horrible timing, some girl I wanted to talk to months ago and haven't seen since I started dating my girlfriend just happened to be at church yesterday and what do you know we had a lovely conversation. Hints were dropped how she was not doing much for Valentine's and such. Ugh, why?! My girlfriend just had to dump everything on me on Saturday and then this girl shows up the next day. A girl I was genuinely interested in.

Once my GF dumps everything on me she feels better and wants to reconnect and for everything to be fine. I don't feel fine.

I don't want to do my homework.