Saboteur

You know how you have this idea in your head, and it seems to be great, and then it kinda freaks you out that it's actually working so you step back for a second to check and see if you're just imagining things or if it really is working out like you want, and then it seems to need just a little of something so while you try to figure that out it all gets ruined?

I like to imagine something on the stove like rice. You start cooking rice and it's no big deal and then it starts getting close to being done and you decide you also want something else to go with it and you step away from the rice to prepare this other thing. Then you start smelling something burning and you wheel around and grab the rice but it's too late, it burned on the bottom. Oh, most of it is probably still ok and you might not really be able to taste a difference, but the scrubbing you have to do after dinner looms over you and you know you burned the rice.

If I had just taken the time when the opportunity was in front of me what might have happened? I really don't like those questions.

I heard an interesting quote the other day, I don't know who said it, but it goes: "A man who wants something will find a way, a man who doesn't will find excuses." I thought about this in context with one of my friend's remarks to me recently that I sabotage myself. Maybe I have a martyr complex in which I subconsciously revel in the fact that things don't work out because what I claim to want and what seems so often right there in front of me, sometimes even trying very hard to get my attention, suddenly falls apart. Maybe I don't really want it.

Or maybe I just don't feel ready so I don't let myself win the game.

I am my own saboteur.

I guess I like the smell of burning rice.