I can hardly even begin to describe to you how unmotivated I am right now in regards to dating and relationships in general. Actually, I'm not really a fan of human interaction right now.
I don't really know why exactly, but there seems to be a pattern of some kind which repeats itself over and over, and I think I know a few of the ingredients. Every once in a while I just lose all momentum, or energy for trying to connect with people. All I want to do is pull back into my fortress of solitude. I feel like my emotional well has but a few drops at the bottom, and I need it to rain.
I sometimes love the rain. There is a sweet serenity in the torrent of tiny plummeting droplets.
I love to love, I have said this before. Forgive the weak analogy; our hearts are like batteries and love is the charge in them. You can use the charge for just about anything but if you don't receive a charge back eventually your charge runs out. Now, from a Christian standpoint we will always be sustained by God so you should be fine in life, and yes that's true, but I just want to look at people right now. I go through times where I try, and I give, and I make efforts, and after months of it... it's still just me and my human relationship batteries are low.
Sorry, that is an imperfect analogy.
I feel like I could probably try for just a little longer and something might just be right there a few steps away, waiting just over that hill, or right around the corner. But man, I'm so tired of giving, and spending hours planning and thinking and trying and doing nice things and buying flowers and paying for everything. You know what? fill out an application for my time and I'll get back to you. And this is why I turn to video games. They love you back. I start the game, I play it, and it is exactly what I hoped it would be. Then I stop and I am satisfied and everything was great.
I don't like it when I stop caring. I want to care, I love caring. I just want someone to care back, to reciprocate. I really don't like that I feel so apathetic to the whole thing because there's this really awesome girl that I am completely impressed with, she's amazing, like, for real, and interesting and I could seriously just listen to her talk for hours, and she's gorgeous and I haven't the slightest clue why she even talks to me, but she does. I haven't called her all week. I should. She's awesome.
I feel so tired.
I need it to rain.