Just Around The River Bend

So, you know Pocahontas? Not the actual person, sheesh, she's been dead for hundreds of years! I mean the overly romanticized story loosely based on historical fact that Disney produced. Yeah, it's awesome how she's like 20 instead of like 14 like she was supposed to be. I digress, Pocahontas is awesome. She sings about everything and in one song she talks about the future and all the exciting things you don't know that are coming just around the river bend.

I'm moving this week. Just sort of decided at the beginning of the month that I was really going to do it, and found a place and now I'm moving.

I don't really like packing. I remember on the mission not liking it, and just like lima beans my opinion has not changed. I don't have to pack everything though, just the stuff I'll need and the things I want to have with me... (compy this is you, and also my swords, you all can come too!)

I am kind of excited to be "growing up" and living away from my parents. It's more expensive than mooching, but I think it's time to get out of the nest. My folks have been not super excited with me having a social life that doesn't end at 10pm, and they act like if I'm not home for dinner that I'm not trying to be a part of the family. Then they ask why I don't act more grown up (what does that even mean?) or why it is that I'm not married. Um, I don't know, maybe because I get lectures for not having a girlfriend and then when I am interested in a girl I get lectures about appropriate dating practices and how I shouldn't just focus on one girl.

Time to move out, live my life, be the man I want to be, marry the woman I want to marry, go to school for what I want to go to school for, etc.

Glimpses of the Puzzle

I'm going to refer to Shutter Effect in this post so if you haven't read that one, do it now.

Ok, you're back, good. What? you never left? you didn't go read that one? I'll wait...
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Ok, now you're back. Good.

So, I mentioned how sometimes I see memories of things I have never seen, and later (in the fourth paragraph) that I had feelings that what I was seeing was where I belonged. I don't really know how to describe what I experienced the other day, but I'll give it a shot. Usually, these visions are kind of ambiguous and unclear. However, instead of getting a vague sort of longing or ambiguous picture of things, this time I feel like I got a glimpse of an actual puzzle piece in it's proper place. Now, maybe this isn't like an actual "And it shall come to pass..." type of thing, but it was weird that for a moment, it made perfect sense and seemed totally comfortable. And then the glimpse dissolved like a sand painting in a gust of wind, and I was left looking at the physical world and at the object that had triggered this snapshot of a vision.

You know how when you zone out and come back by yourself (as in nobody really noticed that you were out of it and snapped their fingers in front of your face) and then for a second you don't really know what is going on or how long you were out, and you wonder if anyone noticed but was too nice to just snap their fingers in front of your face? Yeah, I did that. I don't think I was out of it for long, but it was slightly disconcerting not to know if I missed anything. At least I had retained control over my face and I hadn't started drooling or anything. Actually I'm pretty sure this little lapse in consciousness only lasted for a split second, so there really wasn't enough time for anything weird to happen, luckily.

Anyway, I have been trying to stay calm and not freak out, and have had roughly the same level of success as a small child has when trying to patiently await Christmas three days beforehand.

Our Daily Bread

This morning I received news that a neighbor had passed away after his battle with cancer. He had been in a lot of pain recently so it was a blessing that he was taken home. My emotions were pretty close to the surface as I recalled the many memories I had of this exceptional man. He was a bear of a man, large and imposing, but so humble and kind you knew he would be just the right person to trust and rely on. He had always had something positive to say, and encouraged everyone to be their best.

Recently I went on a camping trip with some friends and as I walked to my friend's house I saw him and his wife sitting on their front porch. He was looking weaker and was in a wheelchair, but his eyes were the same: warm, and safe. He asked me how I was, and if I was staying out of trouble. His voice was strained with the effort of speaking loud enough for me to hear, but I could hear his signature kindness and concern in his tone. We exchanged a few words then I wished him well and he me, encouraging me, as he always did, to be my best. Those were the last words I exchanged with him.

Each day we rely on the same being for our daily bread. He makes the Earth turn, plants grow, sun shine, and rivers flow, and He does it all for us. He gives us our breath, and has placed us here to earn our bread by the sweat of our brow. My neighbor was a good example of working hard and trusting in the Lord. Then, yesterday, he finished his labors and left this world to enter the next.

I love that man. It was always easy to do, because he loved everyone and you knew it too.

Why I Choose Video Games Over Girls

I can hardly even begin to describe to you how unmotivated I am right now in regards to dating and relationships in general. Actually, I'm not really a fan of human interaction right now.

I don't really know why exactly, but there seems to be a pattern of some kind which repeats itself over and over, and I think I know a few of the ingredients. Every once in a while I just lose all momentum, or energy for trying to connect with people. All I want to do is pull back into my fortress of solitude. I feel like my emotional well has but a few drops at the bottom, and I need it to rain.

I sometimes love the rain. There is a sweet serenity in the torrent of tiny plummeting droplets.

I love to love, I have said this before. Forgive the weak analogy; our hearts are like batteries and love is the charge in them. You can use the charge for just about anything but if you don't receive a charge back eventually your charge runs out. Now, from a Christian standpoint we will always be sustained by God so you should be fine in life, and yes that's true, but I just want to look at people right now. I go through times where I try, and I give, and I make efforts, and after months of it... it's still just me and my human relationship batteries are low.

Sorry, that is an imperfect analogy.

I feel like I could probably try for just a little longer and something might just be right there a few steps away, waiting just over that hill, or right around the corner. But man, I'm so tired of giving, and spending hours planning and thinking and trying and doing nice things and buying flowers and paying for everything. You know what? fill out an application for my time and I'll get back to you. And this is why I turn to video games. They love you back. I start the game, I play it, and it is exactly what I hoped it would be. Then I stop and I am satisfied and everything was great.

I don't like it when I stop caring. I want to care, I love caring. I just want someone to care back, to reciprocate. I really don't like that I feel so apathetic to the whole thing because there's this really awesome girl that I am completely impressed with, she's amazing, like, for real, and interesting and I could seriously just listen to her talk for hours, and she's gorgeous and I haven't the slightest clue why she even talks to me, but she does. I haven't called her all week. I should. She's awesome.

I feel so tired.

I need it to rain.

FOURTH OF JULY!!!

Happy Fourth of July everybody, hope you get to watch fireworks and have just a grand ol' time. Be safe, and have fun!

Muah!

The Silence is Deafening

After you say everything you could possibly say, the proverbial ball is most definitely in the other person's court. So, when you don't hear anything for a while it is pretty unnerving. I feel like breaking the silence, but what else is there to say? Luckily for me life keeps happening and I am still a part of it.

Yesterday a friend called me at 12:40 am and was a bit stressed about things. I did my best to calm her down and we ended up talking until 3:30-ish... What?!

I am pretty pumped about the long weekend, and hopefully there will be tons of fun stuff to do. If I don't post before then, Happy Fourth of July everybody!