I can hardly even begin to describe to you how unmotivated I am right now in regards to dating and relationships in general. Actually, I'm not really a fan of human interaction right now.
I don't really know why exactly, but there seems to be a pattern of some kind which repeats itself over and over, and I think I know a few of the ingredients. Every once in a while I just lose all momentum, or energy for trying to connect with people. All I want to do is pull back into my fortress of solitude. I feel like my emotional well has but a few drops at the bottom, and I need it to rain.
I sometimes love the rain. There is a sweet serenity in the torrent of tiny plummeting droplets.
I love to love, I have said this before. Forgive the weak analogy; our hearts are like batteries and love is the charge in them. You can use the charge for just about anything but if you don't receive a charge back eventually your charge runs out. Now, from a Christian standpoint we will always be sustained by God so you should be fine in life, and yes that's true, but I just want to look at people right now. I go through times where I try, and I give, and I make efforts, and after months of it... it's still just me and my human relationship batteries are low.
Sorry, that is an imperfect analogy.
I feel like I could probably try for just a little longer and something might just be right there a few steps away, waiting just over that hill, or right around the corner. But man, I'm so tired of giving, and spending hours planning and thinking and trying and doing nice things and buying flowers and paying for everything. You know what? fill out an application for my time and I'll get back to you. And this is why I turn to video games. They love you back. I start the game, I play it, and it is exactly what I hoped it would be. Then I stop and I am satisfied and everything was great.
I don't like it when I stop caring. I want to care, I love caring. I just want someone to care back, to reciprocate. I really don't like that I feel so apathetic to the whole thing because there's this really awesome girl that I am completely impressed with, she's amazing, like, for real, and interesting and I could seriously just listen to her talk for hours, and she's gorgeous and I haven't the slightest clue why she even talks to me, but she does. I haven't called her all week. I should. She's awesome.
I feel so tired.
I need it to rain.
Showing posts with label relationship thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship thoughts. Show all posts
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Heart to Heart
Letting people see the soft and vulnerable places of our hearts can be one of the hardest and most scary things to do. It's kind of funny though, because letting people see that you are human allows them to be close to you. As someone shares their thoughts, fears, joys, hopes, dreams, failures, triumphs, and heartaches, you can't help but love them even more. We are so afraid of letting people in. We need to let people in.
How do you let something go when all you want to do is hold it tighter? It's the weirdest thing to sit next to someone you love and be ok with letting them go if you have to. It's not my favorite feeling mind you, but in a painful sort of way it's kind of comforting. I guess it's not painful, more heartache-y, in a happy melancholy way. Man that's a hard emotion to describe. Sitting on the sidewalk watching Scorpio dance across the sky, I realized I loved you.
I hope I have what it takes to follow my own advice. We sometimes long for things to come back, for doors to open again and let us in. When a door closes we want nothing more than for that door to be opened to us again, we would do things differently, we would be better, we would do whatever it took for that door to open just one more time. This breaks my heart because I have felt this many times before. Many, many times. But if we stand there, holding that closed door, willing it to open, staring at its surface, wishing we could get inside, or even just see inside again, we will miss every other door God opens for us. There may even be a better door just a few steps away, wide open. Until we let go and walk away from the closed door, we can never be content without it. We will always be stuck, we won't progress, we will become fearful and uncertain about many other things, and disappointment, guilt, and endless "if only"s will weigh down our souls. Who knows, that door might open again. But if it does and all we did was stare at it the whole time and make plans for how we would change and do things right, will we really, truly be ourselves, or will we constantly be striving to be what we think they want us to be? What kind of life is that?
It can be so hard to let go. But then my thoughts turn to the most famous line of John Greenleaf Whittier's poem Maud Muller: "For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these: 'It might have been!'" I think we usually use this line to describe how we feel about the doors that are closed to us, but I feel like this describes even more poignantly the doors that stand so long open, but then close when we choose not to see them. It makes me wonder, "what am I not seeing that God would that I should have?"
How do you let something go when all you want to do is hold it tighter? It's the weirdest thing to sit next to someone you love and be ok with letting them go if you have to. It's not my favorite feeling mind you, but in a painful sort of way it's kind of comforting. I guess it's not painful, more heartache-y, in a happy melancholy way. Man that's a hard emotion to describe. Sitting on the sidewalk watching Scorpio dance across the sky, I realized I loved you.
I hope I have what it takes to follow my own advice. We sometimes long for things to come back, for doors to open again and let us in. When a door closes we want nothing more than for that door to be opened to us again, we would do things differently, we would be better, we would do whatever it took for that door to open just one more time. This breaks my heart because I have felt this many times before. Many, many times. But if we stand there, holding that closed door, willing it to open, staring at its surface, wishing we could get inside, or even just see inside again, we will miss every other door God opens for us. There may even be a better door just a few steps away, wide open. Until we let go and walk away from the closed door, we can never be content without it. We will always be stuck, we won't progress, we will become fearful and uncertain about many other things, and disappointment, guilt, and endless "if only"s will weigh down our souls. Who knows, that door might open again. But if it does and all we did was stare at it the whole time and make plans for how we would change and do things right, will we really, truly be ourselves, or will we constantly be striving to be what we think they want us to be? What kind of life is that?
It can be so hard to let go. But then my thoughts turn to the most famous line of John Greenleaf Whittier's poem Maud Muller: "For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these: 'It might have been!'" I think we usually use this line to describe how we feel about the doors that are closed to us, but I feel like this describes even more poignantly the doors that stand so long open, but then close when we choose not to see them. It makes me wonder, "what am I not seeing that God would that I should have?"
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Relationship Answers with Shinobi Jim Ph.D.
The Ph.D. stands for physically devastating, but that's just cuz I'm a ninja, I'm really supportive emotionally :)
Picture, if you will, a relationship between a guy and a girl. Pretty easy right? So, imagine that the girl dumps the guy but still wants to hang out with him because they are still "really good friends". She starts to get confused because he has begun to act like a jerk all the time. She asks him what is wrong and he gives some answer regarding some trivial aspect of the relationship that was, or is currently happening. (hint: this is not really the reason he is acting like a jerk, he doesn't actually want to address the real reason.) The REAL reason is that the girl dumped him and he's experiencing a lot of hurt and confusion as she is continuing to play an active role in his life, and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Girls may not understand why boys act this way but turn it around, if he dumped her how would she feel? Even if it were for the same noble reasons, she would feel hurt and want to withdraw. What is confusing about that?
Let's take a look at it from a different perspective, in the form of a parable.
Picture, if you will, a relationship between a guy and a girl. Pretty easy right? So, imagine that the girl dumps the guy but still wants to hang out with him because they are still "really good friends". She starts to get confused because he has begun to act like a jerk all the time. She asks him what is wrong and he gives some answer regarding some trivial aspect of the relationship that was, or is currently happening. (hint: this is not really the reason he is acting like a jerk, he doesn't actually want to address the real reason.) The REAL reason is that the girl dumped him and he's experiencing a lot of hurt and confusion as she is continuing to play an active role in his life, and he doesn't know how to deal with it. Girls may not understand why boys act this way but turn it around, if he dumped her how would she feel? Even if it were for the same noble reasons, she would feel hurt and want to withdraw. What is confusing about that?
Let's take a look at it from a different perspective, in the form of a parable.
There was a certain man who loved cookies. Cookies were wonderful things to him and chocolate chip was his favorite variety. One day he was walking through his kitchen when the cookie jar said, "Come, try this cookie, it is probably the best one I have made yet!" You see, it was a magic cookie jar that made cookies all the time, and it was good at its job.
The man reached out and smelled the cookie, it was a perfect chocolate chip cookie. He took a bite and the cookie jar suddenly snatched it back! "Hey! What was that about?! I was enjoying that cookie, and I wasn't done!"
The cookie jar looked back at the man and said, "Well, I figured just looking at it would be as much fun as eating it. See, isn't this great? You get to stand there in the same room as the cookie and look at it, and think about how yummy it is."
The man was very frustrated and really didn't feel like being near the cookie so he said that he didn't actually want to have that cookie anyway since it had too many chocolate chips (not the real reason), and stormed off.
The cookie jar thought to itself, "you know, I bet if I took out all the chocolate chips he would love to be near this cookie." So, the cookie jar ripped out all the chocolate chips and went to find the man.
When the cookie jar found the man it showed him the newly refurbished cookie in its hands and said, "look! I took out all those annoying chocolate chips so now it's just the way you wanted it to be! Now do you want to hang out with it?"
The man had a hard time expressing his feelings about the situation and wasn't about to tell the cookie jar why just looking at a cookie that he had recently been enjoying on an entirely different and more intimate level wasn't really very satisfactory.
The cookie jar was worried by the silence and thought it knew why the man didn't like the cookie, so from then on it only made chocolate chip cookies without chocolate chips. The cookie jar hoped that by changing how it made cookies no one would be dissatisfied with them ever again.
The cookie jar in this story ended up changing a fundamental part of its cookies even though the cookies weren't the problem and everyone else who ever wanted a cookie would have to deal with the lack of chocolate chips. The man may have just needed time to adjust to this new way of experiencing chocolate chip cookies or maybe things would never be the same. Regardless, changing how it made cookies didn't solve anything for that situation and wouldn't help anything in the future, in fact, assuming that no one else will enjoy chocolate chips in their chocolate chip cookies is more likely to hurt any future relationships with cookie lovers.
The chocolate chips represent something like communicating openly or in a way that builds a relationship. This "chip" isn't really a problem but removing it will be. The "chip" could be any number of things that are useful in fleshing out or adding depth to a relationship. When we look back at ended relationships we sometimes blame one of these "chips" and vow never to use that again, when in fact that chip may be exactly the right thing for a relationship this time. It can be hard to allow ourselves to give a new relationship the chance to form itself, to grow in the best possible way, because we try so hard to force it to work by using the "right recipe". Some things just take time, some need a little more of this or that, but adaptation is really important.
Monday, May 16, 2011
The Tiger in Me
I'm not even sure what I want to write about.
Emotions are powerful things. Important things. Sometimes it's important to pull yourself away from them for a moment so you can see the bigger picture. Sometimes you have to hold onto an emotion and let it fill the moment.
It's interesting how my own personal state is so greatly affected by others and the interactions of their lives with mine.
I find this to be much like a dance, perhaps a reel or something, where all persons are engaged and dancing their steps but depending on the level of effort and/or accuracy the dance may be enjoyable or rather frustrating. Many such dances have you switching partners after each set of steps. Two such are: Lucky Seven, and The Gay Gordons both of which are performed in a circle. Upon completion of the foundational steps in The Gay Gordons your partner moves to the next person and you receive a new one at the same time with whom you will now dance the original steps again. This is repeated until the music is done and is quite a lovely dance to watch (and to do if you know it! ;).
So, 'what the heck' you say? Well, let me tell you what I'm talking about. People sometimes fluctuate in and out of our lives, or perhaps up or down in the level of influence in our lives and it is like a dance. Decisions and actions taken by you or them form the steps that move you through the dance, drawing sometimes closer to some, and further from others. Emotion is tied closely with dancing and when one is in harmony with their partner and the music it is almost euphoric. When the steps are out of sync, or you stumble through the cadence of the music the dance becomes painful.
Waiting is hard to do. I hate trying to be patient for something that I really want. I'm usually not when it comes to stuff. I was interested in building a computer so I did. I like swords and when I see a really cool one I want to have it. I'm much better at not buying swords though, since there's not much to justify $200 for a thing I'll put in the corner. But I sure do like sharp shiny metal things. It's different when it's not stuff. The intangible is so much harder to wait for. I feel like my heart is saying, "Are we there yet?! Are we there yet?! Are we there yet?!" and I have to keep saying, "No. No. Look I'll tell you when we get close, ok?"
So, the tiger in me wants to pounce, but any good jungle cat knows sometimes you have to wait it out. Never let your eyes wander from your goal, but use time instead of force, and let your prey come to you.
Emotions are powerful things. Important things. Sometimes it's important to pull yourself away from them for a moment so you can see the bigger picture. Sometimes you have to hold onto an emotion and let it fill the moment.
It's interesting how my own personal state is so greatly affected by others and the interactions of their lives with mine.
I find this to be much like a dance, perhaps a reel or something, where all persons are engaged and dancing their steps but depending on the level of effort and/or accuracy the dance may be enjoyable or rather frustrating. Many such dances have you switching partners after each set of steps. Two such are: Lucky Seven, and The Gay Gordons both of which are performed in a circle. Upon completion of the foundational steps in The Gay Gordons your partner moves to the next person and you receive a new one at the same time with whom you will now dance the original steps again. This is repeated until the music is done and is quite a lovely dance to watch (and to do if you know it! ;).
 |
| In Lucky Seven dancers take hands in a large ring and dance a few steps in unison... |
 |
| after which the ladies turn to the gentleman on their left and the gentlemen to their right and prepare to weave in opposite directions, each taking the hand of the next person coming into range... |
 |
| until they arrive at the seventh person and perform a behind the back spin placing everyone back at the proper positions to begin the set again! It is very fun but very tiring and you're never partners with anyone for long. |
So, 'what the heck' you say? Well, let me tell you what I'm talking about. People sometimes fluctuate in and out of our lives, or perhaps up or down in the level of influence in our lives and it is like a dance. Decisions and actions taken by you or them form the steps that move you through the dance, drawing sometimes closer to some, and further from others. Emotion is tied closely with dancing and when one is in harmony with their partner and the music it is almost euphoric. When the steps are out of sync, or you stumble through the cadence of the music the dance becomes painful.
Waiting is hard to do. I hate trying to be patient for something that I really want. I'm usually not when it comes to stuff. I was interested in building a computer so I did. I like swords and when I see a really cool one I want to have it. I'm much better at not buying swords though, since there's not much to justify $200 for a thing I'll put in the corner. But I sure do like sharp shiny metal things. It's different when it's not stuff. The intangible is so much harder to wait for. I feel like my heart is saying, "Are we there yet?! Are we there yet?! Are we there yet?!" and I have to keep saying, "No. No. Look I'll tell you when we get close, ok?"
So, the tiger in me wants to pounce, but any good jungle cat knows sometimes you have to wait it out. Never let your eyes wander from your goal, but use time instead of force, and let your prey come to you.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
A list of Stuff
Ok, it has been a long time since I wrote anything in here. So how about a recap of recent events beginning from the last post. Well, and some stuff before it.
- Began a Dungeons & Dragons game with Phillip, Stephanie, and Matt.
- Leveled Up
- Experienced some miscommunication
- Had an awkward Valentine's day
- Julie and I broke up
- Kung Fu was a beast and made me throw up (but I love Kung Fu, it rocks)
- Amanda got home from her mission
- I got a new CPU cooler that has red LEDs and it's awesome.
- I took a girl from my ward out a couple of times
- A girl from my FHS class sent me a couple vibes (I'll come around to this again in a bit)
- Learned some jujitsu
- Met a girl that went to my junior high at the same time I did, in my same grade, who I could not remember. Let's just say she grew up... a lot.
- Got her number
- Went on a date with a different girl from my ward and played racquetball for the first time. totally awesome
- Got a wicked bruise on my arm from Kung Fu/Jujitsu
- Decided to pick up on the vibes from earlier and got the girl's number
- Ordered a modular PSU for my computer that has an LED switch so I can make the LEDs blue, white, or turn them off. It's a 1000 watt bad boy
- Ordered a book that my coworker and friend Renee's friend wrote called Entwined
- Took out the girl from my class and had fun "ring shopping"
- Received the book less than 24 hours from the time I ordered it, totally a record.
- Wrote this list of stuff that happened
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Winter Wonderland
Life is a funny thing. Sometimes it doesn't let you breathe between smacks in the face and sometimes it is just peaceful and serene. It's finals right now for both my school and my work, I work at a University in Testing Services. I took my final for Psychology yesterday and basically owned it so that is a load off the mind. I still have to deal with finals for the rest of the week at work though.
Those of you I talk to frequently will know by now that I have a girlfriend. Those of you who don't know this still you're dumb because if you read the last sentence you should know this too. Anyway, her name is Julie and she's pretty awesome.
As you can see she likes to dress up and in this picture is a gypsy (selfnamed Sapphira, [I added Jewel in the Night]). I'm dressed as a thief/rogue named Akos Amun Semajj (the White Falcon, The Hidden one). We went to three Halloween parties together like this and went to a masquerade party before those. The girl loves to dress up. I was surprised that I had not found out about this interest of hers before then. When she found out what I was dressing up as she told me her thoughts were "I can't be out dressed by a guy!" so she bought a corset!
We have known each other for a few months having met through a mutual friend. I started to notice her shortly afterward but eventually just took her presence for granted. During a Stake YSA activity to a corn maze I started to flirt with her and sent her a few texts later that night. She said later that she was totally confused because I didn't usually act like that with her, but she took notice and I ended up on her Radar Screen of Potential. After that I had asked if she wanted to come to a Masquerade ball and she bought a mask for it and came.
There was a dating workshop put on by Alisa Goodwin Snell on the 20th of November and it was free! So I'm a fan of free stuff and I like dating, and I also like learning new things... especially stuff that pertains to life and stuff. So I went and Julie went too, and afterward I knew that she would know what I was doing or meaning by doing certain things because she went to the workshop. That made communication 1,000,000 times easier. I guess we started being exclusive on the 1st of December and it's been pretty fun to get to know her family and to spend time with her.
Those of you I talk to frequently will know by now that I have a girlfriend. Those of you who don't know this still you're dumb because if you read the last sentence you should know this too. Anyway, her name is Julie and she's pretty awesome.
As you can see she likes to dress up and in this picture is a gypsy (selfnamed Sapphira, [I added Jewel in the Night]). I'm dressed as a thief/rogue named Akos Amun Semajj (the White Falcon, The Hidden one). We went to three Halloween parties together like this and went to a masquerade party before those. The girl loves to dress up. I was surprised that I had not found out about this interest of hers before then. When she found out what I was dressing up as she told me her thoughts were "I can't be out dressed by a guy!" so she bought a corset!We have known each other for a few months having met through a mutual friend. I started to notice her shortly afterward but eventually just took her presence for granted. During a Stake YSA activity to a corn maze I started to flirt with her and sent her a few texts later that night. She said later that she was totally confused because I didn't usually act like that with her, but she took notice and I ended up on her Radar Screen of Potential. After that I had asked if she wanted to come to a Masquerade ball and she bought a mask for it and came.
There was a dating workshop put on by Alisa Goodwin Snell on the 20th of November and it was free! So I'm a fan of free stuff and I like dating, and I also like learning new things... especially stuff that pertains to life and stuff. So I went and Julie went too, and afterward I knew that she would know what I was doing or meaning by doing certain things because she went to the workshop. That made communication 1,000,000 times easier. I guess we started being exclusive on the 1st of December and it's been pretty fun to get to know her family and to spend time with her.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Statement: Letters I've written / time = satisfied recipient. False
As evidenced by my lack of consistency in blogging I am not the best at keeping up on things in the writing department. My journal is pretty much non-existent, and I almost never write letters to the friends and family who are on missions. I LOVED getting letters on the mission and it seemed like it was forever between them sometimes.
Time moves differently in different places. Einstein said time was relative, and besides his theory of relativity, dealing with time based on speeds and whatnot, I think that time moves differently based on experiences you are living through at the moment. In my life now I wake up and do a few things, go to work, go home, play games or read a book or hang out with friends and the days slip by like a Lamborghini on the Autobahn. On the mission every day was planned out, and while the elements of each day were pretty much the same it was always a bit different. Every hour of every day was planned out and I was able to be more aware of time passing as each planned event had it's season and moved into the past in a tangible way.
It's been over six months. I've written 0 letters over that time. Correction, I've written at least one, started a couple, and written dozens in the recesses of my mind. Something is disconnected between my mind and my hand. I don't know how to start in this particular case, not that I'm all that terrific at writing letters anyway. I have wanted to say so many things but none of those thoughts have ever coalesced into tangible words and phrases, not to mention my memories of this friend of mine are very bitter-sweet. I have thoughts and/or memories cross my mind every day, which only makes it harder to pick up a pen and spill the contents of my current life to someone, who, in a past realm, played a primary role in it.
I try to distract myself from this past, my past. I don't often feel much when the thoughts dance in my mind, and if I do it's usually a nice feeling with just a little bit of a crumpled edge, like that book you love that you got mad at because one of your favorite characters did something stupid and you threw the book and then remorsefully picked it back up and kept reading. The book is never quite the same, oh the story is, and your favorite parts are all still there, but there's that constant reminder of that time you lost your cool and hurt your friend. I find it hard to stay distracted when one of the biggest reminders is one of my favorite things: Sunsets, and those don't happen EVERY DAY! The sky in general is a big one too. It is also hard that I still have suppressed feelings for her, and that I haven't had anything close to a real relationship since the crap hit the fan last year. I guess I'm a bit leery of that kind of thing and I'm still stuck on her as well.
I really ought to send her something. I don't want her thinking that she is an awful person or something, distracting her from her performance as a missionary. I don't know what will happen when I start writing, I don't want it to become a can of worms.
Blah
Oh, and all the above doesn't really help with my life right now. There's this amazing girl (smart, fun, pretty, spiritual, talented) and she likes me, which is great, I'm just having trouble (been having the same trouble for ...well a year actually) liking her back the same way. I want to, but I don't know how to let myself. I have been trying to figure that out, and this last week I have been thinking especially hard on this subject, when I received a letter from afore mentioned missionary friend this week as well. It happens to be exactly one year ago this week that all the back and forth stuff took place with her and shoved me into my protective shell. Now I'm dealing with a fresh re-acquaintance with my emotions while trying to be fair to someone else. Why was that letter sent and then received at the most inopportune time?
Time moves differently in different places. Einstein said time was relative, and besides his theory of relativity, dealing with time based on speeds and whatnot, I think that time moves differently based on experiences you are living through at the moment. In my life now I wake up and do a few things, go to work, go home, play games or read a book or hang out with friends and the days slip by like a Lamborghini on the Autobahn. On the mission every day was planned out, and while the elements of each day were pretty much the same it was always a bit different. Every hour of every day was planned out and I was able to be more aware of time passing as each planned event had it's season and moved into the past in a tangible way.
It's been over six months. I've written 0 letters over that time. Correction, I've written at least one, started a couple, and written dozens in the recesses of my mind. Something is disconnected between my mind and my hand. I don't know how to start in this particular case, not that I'm all that terrific at writing letters anyway. I have wanted to say so many things but none of those thoughts have ever coalesced into tangible words and phrases, not to mention my memories of this friend of mine are very bitter-sweet. I have thoughts and/or memories cross my mind every day, which only makes it harder to pick up a pen and spill the contents of my current life to someone, who, in a past realm, played a primary role in it.
I try to distract myself from this past, my past. I don't often feel much when the thoughts dance in my mind, and if I do it's usually a nice feeling with just a little bit of a crumpled edge, like that book you love that you got mad at because one of your favorite characters did something stupid and you threw the book and then remorsefully picked it back up and kept reading. The book is never quite the same, oh the story is, and your favorite parts are all still there, but there's that constant reminder of that time you lost your cool and hurt your friend. I find it hard to stay distracted when one of the biggest reminders is one of my favorite things: Sunsets, and those don't happen EVERY DAY! The sky in general is a big one too. It is also hard that I still have suppressed feelings for her, and that I haven't had anything close to a real relationship since the crap hit the fan last year. I guess I'm a bit leery of that kind of thing and I'm still stuck on her as well.
I really ought to send her something. I don't want her thinking that she is an awful person or something, distracting her from her performance as a missionary. I don't know what will happen when I start writing, I don't want it to become a can of worms.
Blah
Oh, and all the above doesn't really help with my life right now. There's this amazing girl (smart, fun, pretty, spiritual, talented) and she likes me, which is great, I'm just having trouble (been having the same trouble for ...well a year actually) liking her back the same way. I want to, but I don't know how to let myself. I have been trying to figure that out, and this last week I have been thinking especially hard on this subject, when I received a letter from afore mentioned missionary friend this week as well. It happens to be exactly one year ago this week that all the back and forth stuff took place with her and shoved me into my protective shell. Now I'm dealing with a fresh re-acquaintance with my emotions while trying to be fair to someone else. Why was that letter sent and then received at the most inopportune time?
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Out of Nowhere
Stuff totally happens when you're not looking. Out riding your bike, you look down or away for some reason, and then BAM!! you hit that parked car or trash can or whatever. On Dr. Who there are these creatures that look like angel statues when you look at them but really they exist only when nothing sees them, if anything does they turn to stone so they can't be killed. Oh, and they are super dangerous. And super fast, if you look away, too late. If you blink, too late. On nature programs which gazelle gets nailed by the lion? The one that wasn't paying attention just a split second longer than his buddies. Which flock of birds get sucked into the jet turbine of a commercial airliner? The ones that forget to check the flight paths and scheduled flights for the day.
Well, bad things aren't the only stuff that can happen when you're not paying attention, it's just more likely it seems. I almost expect crazy stuff to happen, I mean, I am a ninja. If it doesn't happen to me, I'll make it happen on accident,... or on purpose... sometimes.
I, Shinobi Jim, Ninja Master and recipient of the Certificate of Awesomeness have been snuck upon. Completely out of nowhere. Entirely unexpected. Starting Saturday... she popped up on my chat bar on facebook, and that's what we did. We chatted. Two HOURS later at 1:30am I went to bed, but not to sleep. My head was still buzzing. Our conversation had been... bold here and there... which made it pretty fun, and she gave me her number and said I could call anytime. Yeah, ANY time. But that is kinda hard for me, I don't want to bother people. Still I tried calling her and things didn't match up that next night, but we texted a bit. She finished off with saying she'd call me the next day.
Guess what she did... She called. Sweet right!? I was asleep. Not sweet. I called her back after her text woke me up (An entire ringtone playing didn't do anything..). We talked for a while but I had class, and then there was FHE later so she said I could call her afterward. ...If I wanted to. I wondered: "if I wanted to", guess who else sounds like they might want me to.. Later she texts me saying her activity is done, and is mine too? It wasn't. When it was, I called her and we started talking, and kept talking, through the ride home (in a car full of people who laughed and teased at what they were listening to), and continued past the point where I had to plug in my phone to keep it from dying. Then her phone died haha and she called back. So.. we have trouble saying goodbye, like we say goodnight, and then someone mentions one last thing and then twenty minutes later we're still talking. Yeah, kinda makes me think she doesn't mind very much. I don't mind either. That was a two and a half hour conversation + the 45 minute conversation we had earlier that day 3 hours 15 minutes.
Then I didn't call the next day. My reasoning on this is that we don't know each other very well, and we have never met, though we served in the same mission(she got there a transfer before I left), so I don't want to seem like I expect to have her attention every day for two+ hours. That seems awfully presumptuous of me. And that I don't know her schedule and don't want to just interrupt things all the time. I don't want to bug her.
Then I didn't call her the next day either. I kinda wanted to, but I didn't know how she would feel about that. I don't want to wear out my welcome before I even meet her for real. However, when I pulled out the ol' Lappy 486 she pops up again on my chat and we started talking again. During this "until 2am at which point my dad comes out and says it's time to go to bed" conversation it becomes fairly transparent that I don't bug her. I found out because she made up a few equations including this one: you= you don't bug me. That was the one at the end after the "it's okay to call whenever" and "6am= tired + not fun" equations plus others. I learned that I can push her buttons pretty good and we get into some spats of bantering that were really fun. :) This girl is fun,... and really pretty. I will be calling her tonight.
My favorite thing was the last six minutes of the conversation :) It was awesome.
But this isn't the place for that. ;)
Well, bad things aren't the only stuff that can happen when you're not paying attention, it's just more likely it seems. I almost expect crazy stuff to happen, I mean, I am a ninja. If it doesn't happen to me, I'll make it happen on accident,... or on purpose... sometimes.
I, Shinobi Jim, Ninja Master and recipient of the Certificate of Awesomeness have been snuck upon. Completely out of nowhere. Entirely unexpected. Starting Saturday... she popped up on my chat bar on facebook, and that's what we did. We chatted. Two HOURS later at 1:30am I went to bed, but not to sleep. My head was still buzzing. Our conversation had been... bold here and there... which made it pretty fun, and she gave me her number and said I could call anytime. Yeah, ANY time. But that is kinda hard for me, I don't want to bother people. Still I tried calling her and things didn't match up that next night, but we texted a bit. She finished off with saying she'd call me the next day.
Guess what she did... She called. Sweet right!? I was asleep. Not sweet. I called her back after her text woke me up (An entire ringtone playing didn't do anything..). We talked for a while but I had class, and then there was FHE later so she said I could call her afterward. ...If I wanted to. I wondered: "if I wanted to", guess who else sounds like they might want me to.. Later she texts me saying her activity is done, and is mine too? It wasn't. When it was, I called her and we started talking, and kept talking, through the ride home (in a car full of people who laughed and teased at what they were listening to), and continued past the point where I had to plug in my phone to keep it from dying. Then her phone died haha and she called back. So.. we have trouble saying goodbye, like we say goodnight, and then someone mentions one last thing and then twenty minutes later we're still talking. Yeah, kinda makes me think she doesn't mind very much. I don't mind either. That was a two and a half hour conversation + the 45 minute conversation we had earlier that day 3 hours 15 minutes.
Then I didn't call the next day. My reasoning on this is that we don't know each other very well, and we have never met, though we served in the same mission(she got there a transfer before I left), so I don't want to seem like I expect to have her attention every day for two+ hours. That seems awfully presumptuous of me. And that I don't know her schedule and don't want to just interrupt things all the time. I don't want to bug her.
Then I didn't call her the next day either. I kinda wanted to, but I didn't know how she would feel about that. I don't want to wear out my welcome before I even meet her for real. However, when I pulled out the ol' Lappy 486 she pops up again on my chat and we started talking again. During this "until 2am at which point my dad comes out and says it's time to go to bed" conversation it becomes fairly transparent that I don't bug her. I found out because she made up a few equations including this one: you= you don't bug me. That was the one at the end after the "it's okay to call whenever" and "6am= tired + not fun" equations plus others. I learned that I can push her buttons pretty good and we get into some spats of bantering that were really fun. :) This girl is fun,... and really pretty. I will be calling her tonight.
My favorite thing was the last six minutes of the conversation :) It was awesome.
But this isn't the place for that. ;)
but this is \/\/\/
01:51J \\ ....i think you like me..
01:51girl \\ you said it, not me. \\ hahahahha \\ j/k \\ we'll see- we'll see. \\ ... \\ there is a possibility. \\ and you?
01:52J \\ ... me what?
01:53girl \\ ! \\ oh my goodness, James. Honestly. \\ Do you like me?
01:54J \\ hahahaha \\ oh man, your buttons! \\ yes i do
01:55girl \\ you push one more button, and i'm gonna break that button-pushing finger of yours. \\ :D all in good jest, of course. \\ there, was that so hard for you to just say?
01:57J \\ :) good night beautiful girl
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Minor rantings
School started again. Well, it's been going for a couple weeks now, but whatever. That means less hanging out and more homework. How am I supposed to conduct a social life with a bunch of crazy things to do? Okay, so i have a pretty good social life. And no my classes aren't that bad. Actually I kinda like them. Especially the dance one.
People tell me I'm a great guy and that girls would love to spend time with me and all that, yet... no girlfriend, and no prospects. Well, not that I have tried really hard, and I'm not desperate, I know there are a couple girls that would want to date me, but really... um they're kinda creepy. So, according to the consensus I'm "...funny, smart, confident, good looking, interesting, nice, chivalrous, spiritual, talented(plays guitar, does calligraphy, etc.), goes shoe shopping," etc., but somehow, that doesn't do it. I constantly see guys, that girls I've talked to think are sub par, dating people and having a great time. So what's the difference? What makes them date-able and me not? One girl, whom I am very good friends with, told me that she felt I was the type of person she felt like she'd like to end up with, but she wouldn't want to date me if she knew she wasn't ready to get married. Someone else said something similar too. So I guess I am the goal, and I won't get a girlfriend till I get married. But wait, that's frustrating... how am I supposed to learn stuff? From NOT experience...? mmmkay.. Maybe I get to learn from all the different friendships I have and glean the appropriate knowledge from all my interpersonal relationships. Oh wait- that's what I've been doing.
I just want to surprise someone sometimes... it hasn't seemed to work in the past: Surprise. I want to talk to someone and just talk, or talk about life stuff, or just hear someone's voice for a while. I want to go shopping for fun and just look at cool shoes and pick out stuff for her to try on. That's fun. I like doing nice things and I don't get a chance other than the regular door holding or compliments.
Sorry, just a little frustrated sometimes. The only girls that like me are really young and still in high school mentally, really creepy, or really awkward. The girls I like, the smart, funny, interesting, talented, pretty ones* seem to only like jerks and showy rich guys with no real class.
Dumb.
*why yes, I do like pretty girls, you see... they are pretty, which makes them nice to look at. No I don't think that makes me shallow, you girls like your men good looking don't you? And yes, I'd like to be attracted to them in more than one way, hence the other qualifications.
People tell me I'm a great guy and that girls would love to spend time with me and all that, yet... no girlfriend, and no prospects. Well, not that I have tried really hard, and I'm not desperate, I know there are a couple girls that would want to date me, but really... um they're kinda creepy. So, according to the consensus I'm "...funny, smart, confident, good looking, interesting, nice, chivalrous, spiritual, talented(plays guitar, does calligraphy, etc.), goes shoe shopping," etc., but somehow, that doesn't do it. I constantly see guys, that girls I've talked to think are sub par, dating people and having a great time. So what's the difference? What makes them date-able and me not? One girl, whom I am very good friends with, told me that she felt I was the type of person she felt like she'd like to end up with, but she wouldn't want to date me if she knew she wasn't ready to get married. Someone else said something similar too. So I guess I am the goal, and I won't get a girlfriend till I get married. But wait, that's frustrating... how am I supposed to learn stuff? From NOT experience...? mmmkay.. Maybe I get to learn from all the different friendships I have and glean the appropriate knowledge from all my interpersonal relationships. Oh wait- that's what I've been doing.
I just want to surprise someone sometimes... it hasn't seemed to work in the past: Surprise. I want to talk to someone and just talk, or talk about life stuff, or just hear someone's voice for a while. I want to go shopping for fun and just look at cool shoes and pick out stuff for her to try on. That's fun. I like doing nice things and I don't get a chance other than the regular door holding or compliments.
Sorry, just a little frustrated sometimes. The only girls that like me are really young and still in high school mentally, really creepy, or really awkward. The girls I like, the smart, funny, interesting, talented, pretty ones* seem to only like jerks and showy rich guys with no real class.
Dumb.
*why yes, I do like pretty girls, you see... they are pretty, which makes them nice to look at. No I don't think that makes me shallow, you girls like your men good looking don't you? And yes, I'd like to be attracted to them in more than one way, hence the other qualifications.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Avoid a void
Since 'Shutter Effect' and my great blossoming hopes for the future I have been rocked by the frailties of good fortune and brought to my knees by betrayal and misdirection. Though, it isn't as bad as all that. I won't go in to any details but you start to realize how small the top of a mountain is once you slip off. And once you slip off, the scenery quickly changes and your focus is no longer on the landscape's breathtaking expanse but on the grating sharpness of the pummeling decent. When you open yourself up and take down your defenses you become very vulnerable, but that can be a very good thing, a very building and anchoring thing when you allow someone else to enter into your heart. However, we fear becoming vulnerable because we don't know if we will be lucky enough to have a positive outcome. It seems more often than not we are introduced to disappointment and heartache. Sometimes I get really frustrated that I can't seem to catch a break, and when it feels like I do, it's just another slippery precipice looking to throw my footing and welcome me into jagged arms, predictable, constant.
Detachment is a good friend. It doesn't hurt if you can't feel it. So I let go of my emotions, got rid of my concern, and banished my thoughts.
In nature there is a balance, an inescapable equilibrium that maintains the functions of the ecosystem. With every shift and change there is an adjustment in some other part that fills the void or answers the need. When scientists felt there were too many wolves in a particular area and recommended killing most of them off there was a drastic and actually devastating increase in the herbivore population, including deer for example. A threat, previously unconsidered, came to light: overgrazing of ranch-lands and the starvation of many domesticated livestock. A void had been created and it would have to be filled. Because it was not a natural shift the effects were drastic and would threaten many aspects of the local ecosystem. The resulting overpopulation of herbivores led to an increase of predators, and then with limited food supply and increased threat from predators, the herbivore population dwindled. Without prey the predator population struggled as well, and after a period of flailing its arms, nature regained balance having filled the void.
I am worried about this flux in my own life. I was close to what I wanted, and it was ripped away. I now have a void in a relatively vulnerable place, and I wonder what will come by to fill it. My defenses are up again but they are a little battered. They are also extremely weak against one particular force, so I have had to keep my distance or my defenses will fall. I want to keep this friend of mine, I want things to be normal, but first I need to be safe, balanced. Balance is hard when you are unevenly weighted. I can't be balanced around her, she would fill the void too easily, too quickly.
I have been having fun in my ward, not worrying about trying too hard to fix things yet. And then I met someone for the first time three weeks ago, and really started to get to know her two weeks ago, who has lived less than three minutes away from me for the last eleven years. Funny how you can know your world so well, and still not know it. I think she's really cool, and I like that I feel like we've been friends for months when it's only been weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about things at the moment, but I am a little worried that I am unconsciously trying to fill my void. I guess that's not a bad thing, I just don't want to be going about things the wrong way, or trying to make things happen when I should be less concerned.
Detachment is a good friend. It doesn't hurt if you can't feel it. So I let go of my emotions, got rid of my concern, and banished my thoughts.
In nature there is a balance, an inescapable equilibrium that maintains the functions of the ecosystem. With every shift and change there is an adjustment in some other part that fills the void or answers the need. When scientists felt there were too many wolves in a particular area and recommended killing most of them off there was a drastic and actually devastating increase in the herbivore population, including deer for example. A threat, previously unconsidered, came to light: overgrazing of ranch-lands and the starvation of many domesticated livestock. A void had been created and it would have to be filled. Because it was not a natural shift the effects were drastic and would threaten many aspects of the local ecosystem. The resulting overpopulation of herbivores led to an increase of predators, and then with limited food supply and increased threat from predators, the herbivore population dwindled. Without prey the predator population struggled as well, and after a period of flailing its arms, nature regained balance having filled the void.
I am worried about this flux in my own life. I was close to what I wanted, and it was ripped away. I now have a void in a relatively vulnerable place, and I wonder what will come by to fill it. My defenses are up again but they are a little battered. They are also extremely weak against one particular force, so I have had to keep my distance or my defenses will fall. I want to keep this friend of mine, I want things to be normal, but first I need to be safe, balanced. Balance is hard when you are unevenly weighted. I can't be balanced around her, she would fill the void too easily, too quickly.
I have been having fun in my ward, not worrying about trying too hard to fix things yet. And then I met someone for the first time three weeks ago, and really started to get to know her two weeks ago, who has lived less than three minutes away from me for the last eleven years. Funny how you can know your world so well, and still not know it. I think she's really cool, and I like that I feel like we've been friends for months when it's only been weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about things at the moment, but I am a little worried that I am unconsciously trying to fill my void. I guess that's not a bad thing, I just don't want to be going about things the wrong way, or trying to make things happen when I should be less concerned.
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