The Ball

I will of course be updating this after it actually happens, but there's a Masquerade Ball tomorrow. I'm pumped. Every time I told anyone about it they were really excited and would say something like, "Oh man that sounds fun! I've always wanted to go to one of those!" Then I would ask if they wanted to come and they were kinda hesitant. Wait- I thought you said you wanted to go! .... grr.

I found a date to it. She's from my ward and she's cool. I liked how excited she started getting at the end of our "planning" session. I went over to her house and she tried on all the different masks I had and we figured out which mask she was going to use, what dress she would wear, which shoes, and her hair style and make-up. I know what I'm going to do so I can hardly wait.

Out of Nowhere

Stuff totally happens when you're not looking. Out riding your bike, you look down or away for some reason, and then BAM!! you hit that parked car or trash can or whatever. On Dr. Who there are these creatures that look like angel statues when you look at them but really they exist only when nothing sees them, if anything does they turn to stone so they can't be killed. Oh, and they are super dangerous. And super fast, if you look away, too late. If you blink, too late. On nature programs which gazelle gets nailed by the lion? The one that wasn't paying attention just a split second longer than his buddies. Which flock of birds get sucked into the jet turbine of a commercial airliner? The ones that forget to check the flight paths and scheduled flights for the day.

Well, bad things aren't the only stuff that can happen when you're not paying attention, it's just more likely it seems. I almost expect crazy stuff to happen, I mean, I am a ninja. If it doesn't happen to me, I'll make it happen on accident,... or on purpose... sometimes.

I, Shinobi Jim, Ninja Master and recipient of the Certificate of Awesomeness have been snuck upon. Completely out of nowhere. Entirely unexpected. Starting Saturday... she popped up on my chat bar on facebook, and that's what we did. We chatted. Two HOURS later at 1:30am I went to bed, but not to sleep. My head was still buzzing. Our conversation had been... bold here and there... which made it pretty fun, and she gave me her number and said I could call anytime. Yeah, ANY time. But that is kinda hard for me, I don't want to bother people. Still I tried calling her and things didn't match up that next night, but we texted a bit. She finished off with saying she'd call me the next day.

Guess what she did... She called. Sweet right!? I was asleep. Not sweet. I called her back after her text woke me up (An entire ringtone playing didn't do anything..). We talked for a while but I had class, and then there was FHE later so she said I could call her afterward. ...If I wanted to. I wondered: "if I wanted to", guess who else sounds like they might want me to.. Later she texts me saying her activity is done, and is mine too? It wasn't. When it was, I called her and we started talking, and kept talking, through the ride home (in a car full of people who laughed and teased at what they were listening to), and continued past the point where I had to plug in my phone to keep it from dying. Then her phone died haha and she called back. So.. we have trouble saying goodbye, like we say goodnight, and then someone mentions one last thing and then twenty minutes later we're still talking. Yeah, kinda makes me think she doesn't mind very much. I don't mind either. That was a two and a half hour conversation + the 45 minute conversation we had earlier that day 3 hours 15 minutes.

Then I didn't call the next day. My reasoning on this is that we don't know each other very well, and we have never met, though we served in the same mission(she got there a transfer before I left), so I don't want to seem like I expect to have her attention every day for two+ hours. That seems awfully presumptuous of me. And that I don't know her schedule and don't want to just interrupt things all the time. I don't want to bug her.

Then I didn't call her the next day either. I kinda wanted to, but I didn't know how she would feel about that. I don't want to wear out my welcome before I even meet her for real. However, when I pulled out the ol' Lappy 486 she pops up again on my chat and we started talking again. During this "until 2am at which point my dad comes out and says it's time to go to bed" conversation it becomes fairly transparent that I don't bug her. I found out because she made up a few equations including this one: you= you don't bug me. That was the one at the end after the "it's okay to call whenever" and "6am= tired + not fun" equations plus others. I learned that I can push her buttons pretty good and we get into some spats of bantering that were really fun. :) This girl is fun,... and really pretty. I will be calling her tonight.

My favorite thing was the last six minutes of the conversation :) It was awesome.
But this isn't the place for that. ;)

but this is \/\/\/

01:51J \\ ....i think you like me..

01:51girl \\ you said it, not me. \\ hahahahha \\ j/k \\ we'll see- we'll see. \\ ... \\ there is a possibility. \\ and you?

01:52J \\ ... me what?

01:53girl \\ ! \\ oh my goodness, James. Honestly. \\ Do you like me?

01:54J \\ hahahaha \\ oh man, your buttons! \\ yes i do

01:55girl \\ you push one more button, and i'm gonna break that button-pushing finger of yours. \\ :D all in good jest, of course. \\ there, was that so hard for you to just say?

01:57J \\ :) good night beautiful girl

Minor rantings

School started again. Well, it's been going for a couple weeks now, but whatever. That means less hanging out and more homework. How am I supposed to conduct a social life with a bunch of crazy things to do? Okay, so i have a pretty good social life. And no my classes aren't that bad. Actually I kinda like them. Especially the dance one.

People tell me I'm a great guy and that girls would love to spend time with me and all that, yet... no girlfriend, and no prospects. Well, not that I have tried really hard, and I'm not desperate, I know there are a couple girls that would want to date me, but really... um they're kinda creepy. So, according to the consensus I'm "...funny, smart, confident, good looking, interesting, nice, chivalrous, spiritual, talented(plays guitar, does calligraphy, etc.), goes shoe shopping," etc., but somehow, that doesn't do it. I constantly see guys, that girls I've talked to think are sub par, dating people and having a great time. So what's the difference? What makes them date-able and me not? One girl, whom I am very good friends with, told me that she felt I was the type of person she felt like she'd like to end up with, but she wouldn't want to date me if she knew she wasn't ready to get married. Someone else said something similar too. So I guess I am the goal, and I won't get a girlfriend till I get married. But wait, that's frustrating... how am I supposed to learn stuff? From NOT experience...? mmmkay.. Maybe I get to learn from all the different friendships I have and glean the appropriate knowledge from all my interpersonal relationships. Oh wait- that's what I've been doing.

I just want to surprise someone sometimes... it hasn't seemed to work in the past: Surprise. I want to talk to someone and just talk, or talk about life stuff, or just hear someone's voice for a while. I want to go shopping for fun and just look at cool shoes and pick out stuff for her to try on. That's fun. I like doing nice things and I don't get a chance other than the regular door holding or compliments.

Sorry, just a little frustrated sometimes. The only girls that like me are really young and still in high school mentally, really creepy, or really awkward. The girls I like, the smart, funny, interesting, talented, pretty ones* seem to only like jerks and showy rich guys with no real class.

Dumb.



*why yes, I do like pretty girls, you see... they are pretty, which makes them nice to look at. No I don't think that makes me shallow, you girls like your men good looking don't you? And yes, I'd like to be attracted to them in more than one way, hence the other qualifications.

Faces of Epic

I have a cousin.

He is a ninja. I know, I know awesome right? Well here is the most awesome part, I am also a ninja so naturally we hang together from time to time. What is the outcome of this event? Pure unadulterated epicness!

I have a friend, he is a ninja... see paragraph B. Sometimes, well, actually, all the time pretty much, awesome happens. here is a conversation we had today:

An epic tale:
13:27James
oh, the future! What lengths we will go to for the future. Oh the plans we have made and the dreams we create for the future.
I like that... I think I'll write a song.
13:28Matt
good luck with that
13:29James
thank you
13:29Matt
youre not welcome
13:30James
Hiya!!! your arms are mine suckah!!
13:30Matt
too bad for you i already killed you with my mind
13:31James
too bad I traveled back in time and saved myself
too bad i knew what you're going to write
ha
cuz I traveled thru time again
that's how
13:31Matt
therefore creating a paradox so those demon things from dr who could appear and destroy you
13:32James
ah ha
that's where you're wrong
I thought of that and stopped the paradox from forming
You're welcome
13:32Matt
no you didnt
13:33James
oh, and in the hub-bub I had to give you your arms back at the instant I took them so you didn't feel anything.
13:33Matt
then why are my arms sore?
13:34James
well, there was a brief moment there... sorry, i wasn't perfect, but you have to admit for the amount of damage, I did pretty good.
13:35Matt
yes, you must have time travelled because as you know, yesterday i couldn't even lift my arms

So in case you're wondering, this kind of thing happens a lot, and of course when you're in the room you get to be part of the spontaneity. If you hang out with us, you will pee your pants, but luckily there are usually bathrooms nearby.

Epic things
Ninjas are epic.
And dragons are too
Swords you say? Yes,
Your statement is true.

Clowns? No,
Sorry you're wrong.
I guess you're not epic
You silly ding-dong.

Masquerades, cheese,
Christmas and mountains
Wells made for wishing
And Greek Goddess Fountains

Puppies with rail guns
Ion particle beam cannons
Link with the Master Sword
Chopping guts of one Gannon

A trillion watt stereo
Decimating a planet
And a moonwalking Michael
Though not that freak Janet

Legos? fuh real
Matt's such a smart friend
Mech warriors and starships
Ninja battles without end.

I wrote a Costanza
Wait-- now I'm confused...
OH! Stanza that's right
That's what I shoulda mused

Muse, now that's epic
If you've heard them you know
You feel indestructibly beautiful
Like you's a vampire fo sho

S'there's a template of epic.
So now go and find
Epic things all around you
And the ones in your mind.

Masquerade!

The other day I had the "Phantom of the Opera" song 'Masquerade' going through my head, I guess I was just really excited about the new masks I had bought, and I couldn't think of what the words were. This is what was going thru my head: "MASQUERADE!! Bluh-muh-muh-muh-uh-pleh-puh. Masquerade..." The real words are: "MASQUERADE!! Pretty faces on parade. Masquerade, hide your face so the world will never find you..."

Speaking of masks though, I won the contest. :) I'm okay with that. If you look below you'll see all the mask ideas I came up with and the 'Fleur de Lis' was the voted winner. Kenn actually made one as well, though I think it would look better with some contrast like gold/silver plumes on dark (but bold) blue. As is it's two tones of gold. Still looks pretty cool.

A friend of mine and I were talking about getting some people involved in having a masquerade party, and I like the idea. Like, a lot. I am trying to figure out how and when to do it and I think having a more simple party the first time would be great, and a way to spark a little interest in a group. Yeah, you should be a part of the greatness. I told my cousin's wife and she starts getting that look in her eyes, you know that one that looks like Brain from "Pinky and the Brain" when he talks about some great idea. Yeah, that one. Only not evil, just plotting. Before long she has this plan coagulating in the neural pathways and I get a little nervous. She is a fantastic planner, it's just that she can sometimes get a little carried away, so we came up with a word we can use in case of emergencies. It's "Dominion". I like that word.

I'm listening to the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. I didn't realize that till just now, it's been going for several minutes now. You're welcome.

I got three new masks. I don't think I would have done that, but with winning the contest I got $100 and though I could have used the money in a lot of different ways, I pumped it all into masks. Hahaha, oh boy... yeah I may have a problem. I'll get help. They are pretty sweet though, and now I have four masks.

Swords

Swords are awesome. I like them.

That's the one I want. I want it for my character Akos Amun Semajj.

I had a mask custom made for him too, you can see it in the first picture of the previous post.

These are the swords I have, well, the good ones.

So this is my sword I got first. It's from Musashi Swords.

And this is what my Oniyuri looks like. It's a smaller blade in a normal sized saya so as to be sneaky and trick other swordsmen. These would be carried by ninja assassins so they would look like normal samurai and walk unnoticed through a town, and then when the time came to strike, they could draw their sword faster than anyone else.

I like these things. Metal and sharpness in a beautiful form.

Mask Designs

Well, it has been a while since I have put anything up and I thought now was a great time to post something because there is a Mask Design contest being held by a gifted individual Kenn Osborn. Look him up on Etsy.com he has great stuff. Here's a link http://www.etsy.com/shop/kennosborne

Anyway, I have a few designs I have come up with and will be entering them in said contest. I have decided there is almost no better place to show these design ideas than right here on the blog so have fun looking at them.

First we have a mask I had Kenn make already. It's a falcon mask for a character I am creating.

Next is a mask I drew that incorporates some pretty cool stuff. It would use some layering and would also have a veil/shroud that could extend down to the chest if so desired. The bottom of the cross would be around the bottom of the chin but the leather part of the mask would not completely cover the face so that's why I put a shroud on it. It's my Templar mask:

Next is a Midnight Masquerade mask that would look pretty good on a girl. Sort of alluring and mysterious. It is a scene of the night sky with some feathers for an accent.

Then I made a nice bright sunshiny one. This would be either a Sunflower or a Daisy depending on the color scheme. I think this one would be very fun to wear.

These next two pictures go together. I thought about what would make a fun mask, and keep a flair of uniqueness and I thought about this: each of the suits of the face cards; spades, hearts, clubs, and diamonds. Now, I drew each symbol as the whole mask but I also thought it would be cool to make all of them be on one mask, or make a crown for that matter. It could be the poker crown that the weekly champion could keep until the next game. I don't know, I don't play poker, but it was a thought. Or with the masks you'd have an automatic poker face! ok ok, I'll stop, here they are.

I think this next one is really cool. It's a Fleur De Lis and I love it.

ok, for some reason all the pictures since the fleur de lis won't upload right side up, i'll try another post.

Well, it refuses to be right side up, but whatever.
I went nuts on the next one, wondering how I could possibly get any more unique. And then I thought about what time it was, and then I thought about clocks and watches, and then about Switzerland and those amazing time pieces they have and how intricate the gears are, and then i came up with this mask.

This next one wouldn't upload right either, blast. It's a snake head, and I liked the tooling on my falcon mask and it made me think about scales like a snake.

And I made another one that is a bit more sinister.

I had thought a tree one would be cool with vines or a snake curled around it, and then Kenn started making those. Haha, oh well, but I still like the vine/snake idea so I drew one.

I like Harlequin style masks, I think they are pretty cool, so I made one of those too.

And finally, I thought about St. Patrick's day. This one should bring some good luck.

There we go. Those are my masks.

Wheels and Deals

So, I love longboarding.

I got a longboard last year and I have had a ton of fun with it. This first board of mine is a Sector 9 Carbon Trilam Spoontail. The deck is comprised of 5 plies of maple sandwiched between layers of fiberglass with a carbon fiber 'X' running down the board. It came with Gullwing Charger trucks (black) and Race formula Nineball wheels with greaseball bearings.

My second board I started making a couple months later with a friend and we got 47" decks online and started coming up with ideas on how to paint them and what kinds of trucks and wheels to put on them. It was a lot of fun planning and getting everything. We both went with Randall II 180mm trucks, his were raw mine are black coated, and ABEC 11 Gumballs for the wheels with Bones Reds bearings. My friend got done painting and grip taping way before I did. He stained his deck a mahogany color and then put a double stripe down the length of the board in a green that matched the wheels. I liked the color and planned my own design. I wanted to leave the wood color the same and then made a single stripe that ran the length of the board flaring at both ends. I outlined the green stripe with a thin line of black on both sides and coated it all with a sealer. It looked way good and I was proud. I just needed to find a place I could get clear grip tape in long enough pieces so I wouldn't have a seam in the tape.

It took a while, a few months actually, for me to even paint the board, and a few more to find a shop with clear grip tape. I finally heard tell of a shop in the area that had a good supply of everything so I wanted to check it out. I was awestruck when I walked in, there was a ton of different types of boards and clothing and everything that makes a shop like that great. I asked about the tape and they showed me their supply. What I really wanted to know was could they tape it up right then? That way I could start riding it without fear of my feet slipping off. They said they could and I got my board from my car and brought it in. I had it put together so they took the trucks off and started getting the tape ready, but the guy didn't wipe off the deck like I asked him to. I had been doing a little cruising and there was dirt and stuff on the surface that I really didn't want embalmed under the tape for me to see forever. He went to get a cloth to wipe the deck and then got ready to put on the tape. The tape was applied and the excess cut off and then he offered to put it all back together. I was in a hurry to go shooting and everyone was waiting on me so I didn't need him to take any longer, I said no but he said he could do it really quick. I relented and said not to tighten anything as one truck needed to go on the front because it compensated for a flaw in the mounting holes. If he got it wrong I would have that much more work when I got home. You see, there was a 50% chance he would get it right, but according to that "one" theory: if there's a chance you can get it wrong it's most likely to come out that way. Of course that's what he did, and I again said to not tighten anything all the way down. He did. Actually he did more than tighten things, he sunk a screw halfway through the board. I did a little venting at that and he loosened the drill (I like to hand tighten everything so I know exactly how tight it is) and he sunk the next screw even deeper. I freaked a little and he very carefully finished up.

Well now, I am not a happy camper and I write a letter to the owner detailing my frustrations. The owner calls me and we meet, I show him the board and he offers to help fix it with some counter sunk washers. He also offered to get me a board in his shop for cost instead of retail. That's sweet. I got a Loaded Dervish for $60 off the board and then I got Paris 180mm trucks and Orangatang Durian wheels with Diamond bearings.

I'm pretty happy.

Avoid a void

Since 'Shutter Effect' and my great blossoming hopes for the future I have been rocked by the frailties of good fortune and brought to my knees by betrayal and misdirection. Though, it isn't as bad as all that. I won't go in to any details but you start to realize how small the top of a mountain is once you slip off. And once you slip off, the scenery quickly changes and your focus is no longer on the landscape's breathtaking expanse but on the grating sharpness of the pummeling decent. When you open yourself up and take down your defenses you become very vulnerable, but that can be a very good thing, a very building and anchoring thing when you allow someone else to enter into your heart. However, we fear becoming vulnerable because we don't know if we will be lucky enough to have a positive outcome. It seems more often than not we are introduced to disappointment and heartache. Sometimes I get really frustrated that I can't seem to catch a break, and when it feels like I do, it's just another slippery precipice looking to throw my footing and welcome me into jagged arms, predictable, constant.

Detachment is a good friend. It doesn't hurt if you can't feel it. So I let go of my emotions, got rid of my concern, and banished my thoughts.

In nature there is a balance, an inescapable equilibrium that maintains the functions of the ecosystem. With every shift and change there is an adjustment in some other part that fills the void or answers the need. When scientists felt there were too many wolves in a particular area and recommended killing most of them off there was a drastic and actually devastating increase in the herbivore population, including deer for example. A threat, previously unconsidered, came to light: overgrazing of ranch-lands and the starvation of many domesticated livestock. A void had been created and it would have to be filled. Because it was not a natural shift the effects were drastic and would threaten many aspects of the local ecosystem. The resulting overpopulation of herbivores led to an increase of predators, and then with limited food supply and increased threat from predators, the herbivore population dwindled. Without prey the predator population struggled as well, and after a period of flailing its arms, nature regained balance having filled the void.

I am worried about this flux in my own life. I was close to what I wanted, and it was ripped away. I now have a void in a relatively vulnerable place, and I wonder what will come by to fill it. My defenses are up again but they are a little battered. They are also extremely weak against one particular force, so I have had to keep my distance or my defenses will fall. I want to keep this friend of mine, I want things to be normal, but first I need to be safe, balanced. Balance is hard when you are unevenly weighted. I can't be balanced around her, she would fill the void too easily, too quickly.

I have been having fun in my ward, not worrying about trying too hard to fix things yet. And then I met someone for the first time three weeks ago, and really started to get to know her two weeks ago, who has lived less than three minutes away from me for the last eleven years. Funny how you can know your world so well, and still not know it. I think she's really cool, and I like that I feel like we've been friends for months when it's only been weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about things at the moment, but I am a little worried that I am unconsciously trying to fill my void. I guess that's not a bad thing, I just don't want to be going about things the wrong way, or trying to make things happen when I should be less concerned.

Shutter Effect

Have you ever been looking into the night sky, or maybe someone's eyes, or down an inviting country lane, and suddenly get lost in its depth, its unpredictable serenity, sent out into the incredible and unimaginable future only to be captured back into the present before you comprehend the scene? I have.

At times I have this deep ache, a very real and lovely longing for intangible futures. I see things for a moment, like specters, dancing and calling me, showing me memories of things I have never seen, and though I also see that they are not in my near future, they are there somewhere, playing hide and seek in time. I think the ache is akin to that feeling you got at the center of your heart the first time you left home for a week, and you missed your room and your parents, and even your pesky, snotty, bratty, wonderful siblings. You were probably seven or eight, and it may have been some sort of camp with your church or school, and it was fun, but it wasn't home.

This next analogy only works if you have seen cameras other than the digital kind. When a film camera takes a picture, there is a shutter that opens for just a fraction of a second, and in that moment the image is captured on the film. You can even duplicate this type of effect yourself with your own eyes. Just close your eyes for a while and then open them and quickly close them again (this will work best if you are looking out a window where there is a lot of light and contrast) and the image will seem to linger for a couple heartbeats. The longing I speak of is kind of like this, I am just minding my business living life and then, in a brilliant and fleeting flash, I see the expanse of the universe, its image and emotion burned into the retina of my soul, and the ache, while intense for a moment, slowly fades and I am left to myself wondering.

I wonder at the feelings I get when this happens, the feeling that what I saw was home. It feels like that's where I belong, not here, not in the small struggles I face today, but there, where my heart is full and my experiences rich, and my family, not my current family only, my own family, is close and our bonds strong. How is it that I can be homesick for a home I don't yet have? Things stir in me that I don't understand, my heart feels broken for not being there in that glimpse of forever, feels weak and unsuited for the task, hungry for company. It's hard to explain. I need deeper words, or to be able to write with emotion as my text instead of these clumsy symbols. So inadequate are these tools sometimes. I feel I understand what God meant when He said He speaks according to our understanding, using the language of man's comprehension.

I feel that these glimpses into the eternities, into the mind and will of God, are for us encouragements to help us on our way, to show us that there is more, to keep us from sitting still, to make sure we still dream. The breath leaves us for a moment and our hearts expand in the attempt to fully embrace the scene, and the ache comes when we find that our hearts are not yet big enough, but are hungry to become so. And the vision fades, leaving us hopeful, longing.

I want it. I don't know exactly how to get there, but I know a few of the steps. I don't know what to do all the time and I make things harder sometimes. But for now, I will enjoy the journey, the company of friends, the lessons I learn, and the joys I gain.

All Star

I can't believe how excited I am about my recent discovery. I'm pretty sure that if I had a million dollars, shameless amounts would be spent on Converse All Stars. I have always loved these shoes, and they have become quite the status symbol these days, but the reason for my rekindled interest is that you can build your own shoes by using the converse website. It's pretty easy: www.converse.com and then you just go to build your own.
I made a couple different designs myself:
Black and lime green















And my personal favorite: Waldo


















I think this one would match my waldo outfit nicely.

Surprise

I love when it rains. It rained today for like five minutes and looked like the world was going to end for all the water being dumped, but then it was over and moved on. I missed most of it because I looked out the window and saw dark clouds, looked away and then looked back out the window three minutes later and the rain was drowning everything it could get its hands on. Then the sun came out. I love when the sun comes out.

I had a good day. I went into Relief Society after church and one girl had made cookies, so I went up to her and asked, "May I please have a cookie?" to which she replied cordially, "Yes you may." I reached for one of the enticing morsels and right as I pick it up she says, "Oh you might like this one better," pointing to a different and equally appealing cookie. I couldn't really see any difference between the quality at first but I was primarily concerned that I had already handled one of the cookies and it might be rude of me to put it back in favor of the other. I expressed this reservation and graciously she said, "Looks like you'll have to have both and see which one you like better!" I could not have asked for more kindness, after all most of the women had only received one cookie, and here I was, an intruder, getting two! I felt very special. I like feeling special, and it's something we don't do for each other enough. I'm going to try to make others feel special more often because they deserve to get surprised. I don't really know anyone that detests feeling happy, and pleased about life/things/themselves. At least I don't associate with them.

Yesterday, speaking of surprises, I got off work and wanted to surprise a friend of mine, so I found an excuse to head that direction. Luckily for me I had forgotten my sunglasses at another friend's house in the area so I had the excuse, I just needed a surprise. Flowers are always great, especially if you're surprising a girl, which was my intention, so I stopped at a flower shop along the way and picked some up, all the while enjoying the excitement of being a surpriser. I got them into my car, turned on the AC, aimed the vents at the flowers, and drove toward my destination. I was a little torn, did I want her to be there? Hmm... if she's there that could be fun to see the look on her face, but it could also be fun to leave them there and let her come home to them. Well, either way would be fun so I went on my way rife with anticipation.

I parked and carried the flowers up to her house to find her father outside working on some projects. Prior to him looking up I wondered about the rather conspicuous bundle in my hand and whether I could make it look simple and natural, like I always carried flowers with me where ever I went. I don't know that I was successful, but he didn't seem bothered by their presence, and I asked if my intended recipient was at home. I strangely hoped for both answers. He told me that she was actually in southern Utah and wouldn't be home until Wednesday-ish.

Ever watch a pack of five year olds attack those dollar store bubbles? My bubble was among those not high enough off the ground to survive the onslaught. I was a little let down having talked to her the day before and not knowing that she was planning on being absent for several days and having my plans to surprise her, turn around and surprise me. So I left them with her dad, and he promised he would feed and water them so they would be alive when she got home.

Surprise.

A friend of mine wrote on her facebook page that she needed something to do. I needed something to do too so I asked if she wanted to go get a frosty with me and that it would be a half hour commitment. I don't like usurping people when they just feel like doing a little bit of something. It's pretty fun to just do stuff out of nowhere. It was good for me.

Exoskeleton

Remember biology in school? Ever seen a bug's clear, discarded shell? Seen a snake shed it's skin? All signs of growth. Creepy, disturbing signs of growth. Spiders, like other exoskeleton types, (of course excluding snakes, they are vertebrates) are limited in size by their exteriors, trapped, as it were, inside themselves. They get bigger inside than their outsides will allow and something has to give or they will suffer, and really, who likes to suffer? Not me.

Could have fooled you, eh? Yeah, could have fooled me too. I say I don't like to suffer, but I always seem to stop myself from doing what I really want to, so I get all cramped up and start wishing things were different. I don't make sense to myself at times, I doubt I make a lot of sense to others, but if you have any really great observations you feel would be helpful feel free to share them with me. I'd appreciate it.

Ever read "The Dawn Treader" by C.S. Lewis? Eustace Scrubb is a brat and he gets turned into a dragon, and learns things. Then he wants to be in his own body, but the only way to do that, Aslan says, is to tear off the exterior. Eustace tries a few times but even though it hurts and he's using his dragon claws and tearing as hard as he can, it's not enough. Aslan has to use his "king of beasts" claws, and trust me, they're huge, sharp, and cut very deep. The pain was excrutiating, but finally Eustace was once again himself, albeit sore and humbled.

I wonder if spiders experience pain. If so, I wonder if breaking open their bodies hurts, or if it is a relief to finally get out of the constricting, too small body. However, I don't know that there have ever been any successful interviews of any spiders on this subject, so we may never know. Even if it does hurt to rip off their very own body they do it so they can grow and become better. I feel a little trapped in myself right now, I've been trying to get out for a while, but only recently have I felt that panicky claustrophobic urge to rip myself out of me and grow. The scary thing about taking off my calloused, worn exterior is that I become extremely vulnerable. Just like the butterfly newly escaped from the cocoon, I'm helpless until I can fill my wings with strength. The spider, once freed from it's old carapace, is free to grow but can become more agitated due to its vulnerability. Attitude can be polarized with higher aggression when threatened, in order to feign invulnerability, and an increased timidness until the new outer shell is fully hardened.

The problem is I don't want to get all calloused and hardened. I hate getting hurt, and it has happened a few times more than I want to remember, but I feel like I really need to break out of my shell. I hope you realize the meaning behind that phrase now.

I plan on living my life, not just hoping for life. This is going to suck. It's going to be awesome. I can't wait to see what happens, and I'm a little scared. I'm moving forward, trying new things, trying old things I just haven't done in a while, working on projects, registering for classes, and daring myself to do better.

Wish me luck.

Overthinking 101

So I love telling stories, I love thinking. A lot. I think that for a long time I loved thinking and figuring stuff out so much that I forgot that it's kind of important to live for real.

People have been telling me that I should have a blog.

Blog, that's a funny sort of word, it sounds like bog. Sometimes I get bogged down with my brain trying to give meaning to everything. Ugh.

I have thought about it before and have wondered if maybe it would be fun, or at least therapeutic to write out my thoughts and experiences.

I'm somewhat of a perfectionist. Therefore I have a hard time doing stuff if I am not sure that I can do it right. Thus I fail to do a lot of things. Perfectionism is a disease, like anorexia. It's hard to tell at first that it is a hindrance to life and happiness but it's just so darn easy to keep up once you've started, and the longer you keep it up, the more you think it's helping. Same thing with overthinking. I think it's sort of an excuse for not having confidence to actually deal with life. Instead you just try to think of everything that could possibly happen and most of it ends up being bad so you don't do anything for fear of not getting the one or two things you hope for. Being a ninja you'd think there would be no problem for me to get out and go to town on stuff and fear nothing, that's where I don't make sense.

A few of my closest friends, yes ninjas have friends, have grown to understand me enough to know that I am unlike most people. I think that's intriguing to some. They meet me and are like, "Hmm, just some person." and then after a half hour their eyebrows are kind of fighting eachother and then try to grab their hairline and their brains are trying to find a definition for me, and it doesn't work right away, so to cope they find an opportunity at some point to let me know I'm weird. Thanks, I know.

I have a really big, squishy, deep heart, and that sucks sometimes. Especially when you combine that with my paralyzing perfectionism and overanalyzing nature. Ninjas are sensitive, caring, compassionate, intuitive, shy people. Of course they mask that by killing stuff and being awesome. The qualities they have in public are not pretend, they are definitely qualities they possess, but there are many deep set things no one sees. The main problem for ninjas is that there are very few psychologists who are not afraid of getting cut in half, or who are awesome enough to actually help. So we ninjas are left to ourselves to figure out our issues. Don't worry though, I have made great strides recently.

I realize I am very tired of not living, and watching my happiness walk away down the beach without me. I am sick of looking opportunities in the eyes and fearing irrational things. I want to be who I am deep inside me somewhere. That guy that isn't afraid. What would I do if i wasn't afraid? I bet I would more often skin my knees, and shed tears from failure, but I bet I would succeed more.

What I am most afraid of now is that I have waited too long to fix myself and that some opportunities have forever sunk behind the horizon. I fear that maybe I am giving it my all when whatever it could have been is not all there. I feel like my life is currently a romantic comedy or maybe a comedic romance.

Or maybe just a comedy.

Let's hope it doesn't become a tragedy.

I am pretty sure my thoughts can be found in a couple songs: 'I'm yours' by Jason Mraz and 'Save' by The Rocket Summer.

Oh, and '1, 2, 3, 4' by Plain White T's is also a good one.